Herbie: Fully Unneeded

There comes a time in a reviewer's life when he or she must approach a film carefully. That time is almost exclusively reserved for children's films. Now, I don't own children. And I'm also not a child. Nor a tween. Or a gay male. But that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good children's film. It simply means I'm not the target audience. And that certain rules of logic need to be ignored, thrown out the window. Which brings us to Herbie: Fully Loaded, the newest and if there was a god, last remake out of Hollywood.

Herbie: Fully Loaded (one wonders what a half-loaded Herbie would look like) avoids the pitfall of logic by dispensing of it entirely. A large portion of the film is devoted to the mysterious lovebug driver Max who's identity is hidden by a helmet. The audience, from the get-go is in on Max aka Maggie (Lindsay Lohan). And normally, the shock and awe campaign of "Can you believe it was really ___________" works. You buy the surprise at the reveal. The problem here is that Max/Maggie's helmet is see-thru. That's right, see-thru. Silly mistake or idiotic filmmaking? The plot thickens...

Herbie is a surprisingly lazy film, which for a Disney remake is really saying something. Screenwriters Thomas Lennon, Ben Garant, Alfred Gough, and Miles Millar (4 screenwriters is never a good sign), and director Angela Robinson never attempt to make a coherent film. Do people know Herbie is alive? Are they worried about this? Who are these people? As the movie progresses, Herbie seems to become increasingly hostile and violent. This bug is dangerous. Didn't they watch Christine? It's a demon car. Destroy it! When Herbie started to break the laws of physics via flips and summersaults, I imagined a different Herbie film. A film in which the government is after Herbie. They want to know what makes him tick. Herbie is drugged and taken to an undisclosed military base in Nevada. And dissected. Or better yet, Herbie disillusioned with being left for scrapes, seeks revenge on those who wronged him. Herbie: Unleashed, a Quentin Tarantino film.

I digress.

Michael Keaton, assuring us all that multimillionaires too have bills to pay, plays Lohan's dad and the head of the once glorious Peyton racing team. And in a horrific extended cameo, there's Matt Dillion mugging the camera as Nascar racer Trip Murphy. Attempting to cover every storyline imaginable, the filmmakers squeezed in romance, both human and Volkswagen. We get it. You think people want to see Lohan kiss. But there's an equal amount of people who are sickened by the very idea. When it was revealed that the studio paid over a million dollars to digitally alter Lohan's cleavage in order to maintain the G rating, you realize no one knew what kind of film they wanted to make. Camp, kid-friendly, avant-garde. I could care less about the angle, just please give me something I can watch. Hollywood remakes by their very nature, tend to range from bad to very bad with a few welcomed exceptions now and then. To say Herbie: Fully Loaded is unwatchable is an insult to snuff films. You must avoid this film at all costs. Think of the children.

F

You're kind of wishy-washy here... are you recommending we see Herbie, or not?

Otherwise it is a tremendous review, and a good read!

Aye, a great review, loyal! And infinitely more readable than your awful Charlie and the Chocolate Factory review.

Thanks gents.

I hope someone else sees Herbie here. I would love for them to explain the see-thru helmet to me.

It's not only that the camera can see-thru the helmet when Maggie is in frame (that could be explained away, "let's show her mug even though it makes no sense").

But when other characters see her from their pov, it's still see-thru. It's like Racer X wearing Saran Wrap instead of a mask.

i don't get it.

Max races Herbie. The audience knows Max is Maggie (Lohan), though mostly everyone in the film does not, until the big reveal.

Problem is, her helmet is see-thru.

**gives very confused look**

I won't bother then with going into detail about Herbie's gymnastics routine.

this movie reminds me of Howl's moving castle now.

this movie reminds me of Howl's moving castle now.

Oh god.

How so?

weird things that don't make sense.

I feel bad for Herbie.

He's a bug, who only wants to make love.

TOo bad Lohan is apparently in the way!

I think it's funny when people complain about me and others saying "I'm seeing this tomorrow ..." and you people haven't even seen the movie. It's basically the same thing that I and others do.

I think you are wrong.

They are having a discussion about the film review or about the movie.

That is exactly it. There is a difference between saying "I'm seeing this tomorrow" which is spam in this forum, and commenting on a review.

Of course they've gotten off-topic but that is beside the point.

we're commenting on a review and drawing parrelels movie35 .. adding to the discussion .. its a big difference.

I still can't believe of all the usual suspects here, none of them have seen the film yet.

I feel so dirty.

Pretty decent movie. Fun for young kids. May be an option for Families. Nice to see Keaton though the bigger roles are for Lohan and the Jeepers Creepers kid.

C+

I went to see it due to sentimentality. My family used to have "Herbie" spotting contests on road trips. That being said, I thought it was a pleasant family movie. The Herbie and KITT bit was cute.


Two things really bothered me....

1) That no one recognized Herbie. Here was a third generation racing family, and no one had heard of Herbie. A VW Bug winning big races just isn't the kind of thing that people would forget about.

Dean Jones, Don Knotts, and Michele Lee are all still alive. Couldn't Disney have gotten/asked one or more of them to do a cameo? Though, with Dean Jones, that brings up another problem.


2) It's not really believable that a sentient car like Herbie would end up a junkyard. Much less a famous race car. You'd think that a racing museum would be interested in him. Or Ripley's Believe it or Not museums. In Herbie Goes Bananas Jim Douglas retired and gave Herbie to his nephew. But then, in the '82 short-lived TV series, Jim had him again. So, it's a bit unbelievable that Jim would either lose track of Herbie or get rid of Herbie. Unless, he had died and bequeathed Herbie to someone else, or was in a hospital somewhere.


The movie could have been better if they had addressed these things.

My grade: B-

I was talked into it I was. It had its cute moments but I said "moments" and nothing more. I went with my sisters boyfriend hes a huge herbie fan but it was a crappy movie. Lohan was there is hopes of getting horny young guys to watch the film it h\e itty bitty skirt. This movie gets D+ and only a plus cause they had clips from the old films added in.

It's nice to look at the old, hot Linday Lohan for 93 minutes, but other than that, it's just a crappy movie. D

I found that funny, too. It's almost impossible for Matt Dillon to not be able to see through the see-thru helmet.

Like, it's just an idiotic mistake.

And, was it just me, or did the part where Herbie saves Maggie from the monster truck the dumbest thing you've ever seen?

](*,)