is she really gonna do an album?

Read it again and tell me seriously if that question has to be asked

I still cant get it!

Ryan have you by any chance been attending Scientology induction meetings?

Aliens will cure us all.

Christina's next single is Whitney Houston's "Queen Of The Night"

Will. Fucking. Rock.

The original actually sounds alot like Fighter....and alot like Xtina actually :S

WIll be awesome anyway.

But yeah, Kate Holmes is black now!

And, Tara Reid tried to smoke a firework! :O


Lindsays went up 2 dress sizes and is putting on more weight to get those boobs back..

And to everyone who thought they were fake......suck on that!

Holmes looks horrible in that picture,not attractive at all.

I cant wait for Katie's album to be on pre-order

My ass looks fucking bombalicious when i shake it to "Is he playin Straight"

I also love the "Cult To the Steppa" and the best track is probobly "My Contract Has Expired"

Celebrities actually said these things. Seriously!

Theres nothing quite like celebrities being fucking retarded to brighten up my day.
I promised myself i wouldn't laugh because im actually in agony from spending too long in the gym on Friday and am pretty sure i could explode at any second if I laugh. So lets not

First up, Queen of the Mentally Backwards.
Jessica Simpson

I had very big boobs at a young age, and it kept me from a lot of things in the church. I couldn't sing solos because supposedly the men lusted when I would get up there.
Wow, Jessica. I can't imagine what lusting over your giant rack would be like. But im pretty sure that all those "men lusting" over you at a "young age" are now "in federal captivity". Im so glad you can sing solos now. Really I am. I think William Hung took you as his inspiration. Thanks for the service to society, Jessica.

Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna. But it says chicken. By the sea. [asking her husband about Chicken of the Sea]
Classic Jessica. I imagine in Jessica Simpson's mind Chicken of the Sea is actualy the name for a massive giant chicken farm suspended near a large body of water ruled by Britney Spears [who makes those chickens pretty!] who sings them gently to sleep before Mandy Moore is sent in to task cleaning the coops.

You've done a great job decorating the White House. [to U.S. Secretary of the Interior Gale Ann Norton]
I wonder what she thinks the Secretary of the Treasury John Snow does. Maybe she thinks hes Nicholas Cage's father whos harvesting a giant pile of gold which she has to sleep her way too.

Platypus? I thought it was pronounced platymapus. Has it always been pronounced platypus?
Yes, Jessica, they are indeed Platymapus; as in Bagamapus or Jessicaisafuckingretardamapus. See where im going with this? I think its time to change the spelling of Platypus people. Because 90% of girls under the age of 16 will now pronounce it platymapus and think its funny and cute so we must ammend the dictionary to tailor for these educated young bastians of society.

Do all dolphins have holes in their heads?


Golf ain't made for girls. My boobs are in the way
Really!? Oh my god better tell these girls Jess; before their boobs get in the way too and theres massive boobage bruising across the golf playing nation. Wierdly those crazy golfing lesbians talk of something called a "bra". No fucking idea what they've been smoking. Crazy!

I kinda want to be the Reese Witherspoon of the music industry... the girl next door who wears a great dress and has great hair.
Thats funny; cause Reese Witherspoon just attacked you infront of the world media! Yay!

Musically, my dream is to do what Norah Jones did. I can't play the piano, but to sit next to it and just sing.
*explodes violently*

If i had a hero, im pretty sure it'd be
Tara Reid

At the end of a movie, all my outfits are missing. They even call: 'Tara, those were $700 shoes.' What are they going to do, search my house?
Wow; I really bet your mailbox is jammed with movie offers every day Tara. Did you steal the alien corpses from Uwe Boll?
I bet you have an alien outfit which makes your ass look super. See ive cracked your code.

I can make a scene that's not supposed to be sexy, very sexy. It's a power you're born with. It's not a physical thing, it comes from inside. It's all in the eyes.
Tara; ive got an idea. At your next mvoie audition just say that line again; except this time after it try not going down on the producer. Yeah?

Lindsay Lohan

"You need to stop acting like the damn drama queen...[to Hilary Duff]"
I love Hilary Duff you skeletor!

I love you Hilary Duff!
Wait a minute...didn't you just.....whatever.

I'll probably pursue doing more movies, but not horror or movies with killers in them. I'll try to stick to happy movies. I want to act and direct like Jodie Foster. I admire her because she went to college and she's still doing the same thing.
Right.....First of all - Jodie Foster built her career on "horror" and "movies with killers in them"; and then the rest of that just makes no sense. I suspect Lindsay paused after "Killers in them" and snorted a line.

Britney Spears

I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada.
I picture Britney Spears staring out of the window during Geography classes; dreaming up dancing in the halls like a slutty schoolgirl to Madonna's "Like a Virgin" whilst the rest of the class learn that Canada is a large chunk of land that America shat out this one time.

Tony Blair? I've never heard of him either. Who is he?
Someone almost as famous as you, Britney.

I would rather start out somewhere small, like London or England.
Im really starting to think that Britney Spears maybe just skipped Geography.

Nicole Kidman can play so many different roles.
Wierdly; lots of people can paly so many different roles too. They are called actors.

"I would have gone nuts in a classroom. That wasn't for me."
Evidently.


Some other random stupid quotes

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year? - Christina Aguleria
Did you go to Britney Spears' geography class too, Christina?

I'm really fucking good at my job, and people who are interesting and good know that. That's all that matters. - Gwyneth Paltrow
If you say so. But i saw "View from the Top"


Wal-mart... do they like make walls there? - Paris Hilton
Yes...thats exactly what they make there. I wonder if in hell they make giant Paris Hilton dolls.

(Kabbalah) helps you confront your fears. Like if a girl borrowed my clothes and never gave them back, and I saw her wearing them months later, I would confront her. - Paris Hilton
Wow Paris, thats deep.

"Doesn't that hurt?" (on suicide bombers) - Anna Nicole Smith
You know, Anna, I've never really experienced the sensation of a huge explosive device tearing my body into hundreds of different peices, leaving them smouldering on the floor, but i suspect its not pleasant. I dont know why; intuition i guess.

"I've been noticing gravity since I was very young." - Cameron Diaz
Wow. We have a rocket scientist in the room.

If she had a clue, she wouldn't have made that movie 'Crossroads', don't you think? -Justin Timberlake on Britney Spears
Now now, Justin, if you had a clue you'd stop pretending your black and jump off a cliff; but Britney dosen't go about saying that now does she?



Why is it i feel that some of these dumb blondes have more cogs going on in their minds than they let on? I mean you dont shift 100 million records from shaking your ass; nor do you open a movie to $30m by asking if this is tuna or chicken.

Jessica Simpsons Parking Lot Boobs are so real right now!



What is it with women and their damn accessories!? I mean first the Louis Vuitton bags, then the stupid bohemian chick necklaces, then the little livestrong bands and now BREASTS?! Whats next, two large peices of meat placed on the lower back named something insane and hysterical like buttocks? Long peices of muscle, cartilidge, bone, skin and fat called legs? I know - an extreme example - but they could happen. These breasticles Jessica Simpson talks of are clearly just a fad.

Im glad that MSNBC, the fine pillars of reporting integrity that they are, consider Jessica Simpson's breasts to be "much-discussed" and claim theres a "widespread buzz" that they are fake. Because usually when i see Jessica Simpson's breasts -im too busy to talk. And i guess the huge parking space between Jessica Simpson's rack is totally natural too. Meanwhile, MSNBC, WORLD HUNGER.

"This is flight SR39 Coming in for landing. Low visibilty in valley; please transmit co-ordinates"

Jessica's dad was totally okay with his daughter wearing almost nothing from an early age . I can't really understand why. Hmmmm? I doubt Ashlee would have been allowed to walk around half naked though. Seriously, i doubt it. No one wants to see THAT banana hammock.

Im also trying to imagine hard who would insist that Jessica Simpson in a bikini is not right; Church or not. Im thinking frigid housewives concerned when their spouses hands were lingering in their pockets for perhaps a few seconds too many. But im willing to bet that the Jessica Simpson in a Biniki church was one that never had spaces in the back row. Praise the Lord indeed.

-----------------------

NOW NEW!
DAILY FUGS
Courtney love goes all "you i iz a gangsta yo who got his ass caught outzide ma mercedes sunroof and had to drive here wit ma feet yo!


Hilary Duff and sister remain "Neeeeeiggghwhere near looking good"

"Sis, do you think if i remove my finger from your anus you might stop looking like a constipated horse?"

Heh,what a bunch of dumb bitches.The Anna Nicole one made me laugh like a retard.

That's your best post yet, made me laugh.

Your best post yet, Michael.

Two thumbs up.

I do not approve of your hilarious post, and shall do my utmost to find faults with it, in order to undermine you





And LOL @ Anna Nicole Stupid Smith! Cows have bigger brains!

Reportably CNN says Madonna broke all her bones trying to imitate Christopher Reeves's fall from a horse on her birthday.

Britney Sweat Selling fast! Cackles at Christina Aguleria!



We can only hope that Britney Spear's "camp" dont cackle in the same way as Spears herself - or the caller's head may have exploded whilst holding the telephone. Either way im betting that her people dont randomly spew out the words "Kevin, Babay! Come back to bed & Lets fuck"

But isn't it a bit rich for Christina Aguilera to being horrified by the appearance of anyone else? I mean i know its tough for her to look at anything but a mirror without recoiling in horror and shreiking "ALIENS, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!!!!" but under that thick layer of latex a very fugly young skankard is dying to get out. I suspect Skankard Christina, forewith known as Betty, will have to devise a fiendish plan involving microdermabrasion to be unleashed on the world. BURN BETTY BURN! Either that or she is going to fall to peices like Goldie Hawn in Death Becomes Her. There should be a rule where Betty cant speak unless she makes a good song. Maybe we will get peace for a few decades then.

I dont understand Betty. She claimed to have sent Britney Spears letters offering an olive branch. Britney claims to have replied; and now this. Im guessing that conversation probobly went like......

Christina / Betty : OMG BRITNEY I LUV UR NEW RECORD ITS SOooo awesome OMG CAN U TELL ME HOW 2 DO MY HAIR LIKE THAT?
Britney: Hey, Y'all. Fuck off. Y'all.

In other Britney related news - her perfume is continuing to singlehandledly rescue Elizabeth Arden from decline, whilst presumably rescuing a baby carriage from a railtrack, stopping world hunger and making people smell more like the swamps of Louisanna every day.



I totally get why everyone is buying Britney Spear's fragrance - i mean who wouldn't want to smell like a sweaty, heavily pregnant woman with bad skin, vomit hair and who goes into public restrooms barefoot wearing hand-me-downs from Ratboy Federline's family?

I bought my sister Curious because i cant quite get enough of that heavy swampy sweat smell - and every night i spray it in my room; cause theres nothing like waking up smelling like morning sickness with pickled tomatoes in it!

Elizabeth Arden insists Curious is "An exhilarating white floral accented with Louisiana Magnolia and wrapped in the sensuality of Vanilla infused musk"

Anything fragrance which uses two sexual references in one sentence is pretty much sold to me - and then replacing the words "brown vomit" with "white floral" and "Cigarette Breath" with "Louisana Magnolia" and finally "ageing stench of dirty bathroom foot fungus" with "sensuality of vanilla infused musk" is all pretty much marketing genius.

You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you cant take the trailer park out of the girl i guess. Shes just a normal, 23 year old pregnant girl, y'all. Just lay off!

Is it wrong that i really want to give Britney Spears a hug, then have sex with her?

Jude Law has a tiny penis!

The dreaded event occurred before to a few unlucky Hollywood celebrities. Being photographed candidly, Nekkid. The Brad Pitt incident paved the way for male celebrities to keep their clothes on at all times; for fear that their tiny weiners would also be the laughing stock of the world thanks to a rampant gay porn market of size-queens who stopped masturbating morbidly and started laughing hysterically.

So anyway; my network of top secret gay celebrity stalking fiends, or the world press [whichever one you prefer] sent me the image of Jude Law nekkid thats been doing the rounds online and in the tabloids. And boy it wasn't pretty. Even with the magnifying glass against the screen i had to squint.

I mean im really not surprised that his wiener is smaller than mine, considerably, but i do feel better about myself now its proven. My penis is still immensely small - but at least someone famous has an incredibly microscopic weiner that i dont think anyone can beat in sheer tinyness. It kind of figures that his penis is immensely unimpressive though - i mean what else would a man who has more sex than most of Hollywood combined with various beautiful women have but a little stub? Im sure Jude is one of those "Its what you do with it that counts" or "It gets bigger when it wants to, trust me" kind of guys - but either way i still had a good laugh before feeling a little dirty and finally clearing my internet explorer history several times.

Infact i think even Brad Pitt probobly had a giggle at it in between marathon sessions of bumping Angelina Jolie.
I really fear for Maddox and Zahara, i mean theres not much else you can do whilst having sex - they better have a nanny there or those orphans will be famished.

Anyway, since its Not Safe For Work; ive not only edited the image slightly to accomodate it for Slightly Safer For Work - but ive decided to post aLINK instead of the image straight so you can do the right thing and GO NO FURTHER

IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE JUDE LAWS WEINER, CLICK HERE

Oh please no..this story was one of the most disturbing I have ever encountered at "superficial"

I wonder if that pic replaced Hugo Weaving as your desktop.

Actually; the image was sent to me before it arrived at Supeficial for once

P.S my desktop is now http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/003301.html

Hmmm....that should be my next avatar.

Jude Law.