Hah, I saw this last night and couldn't help but laugh. It'd be even funnier if Britney actually did shoot the guy.

Im pretty sure Britney learnt how to shoot people when she was filming Crossroads.
I mean all those tough action scenes with her shooting the undead and all; its a skill id expect shes picked up over the years of singing about losing her virginty and opening wide.

In response to the whole "Rumor Has It" fiasco post...

Michael, I must say that there are many thing you do that down-right scare me but I also have to admit that you're pretty damn entertaining.

Im sure i dont know what your talking about - for this whole damn thread is entertaining to the point of orgasmic. And thats me being incredibly modest.

Infact they should just hold an awards ceremony for this thread alone because the rest of KJ shivers in its shadow. Still modest.

Get a damn room already, Michael and everyone else besides me.

BB Guns are for pussies. They barely even leave a mark.

<strike>Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears are Obese Lemons!</strike>

Yours, Mines, Cheaper by the Trezen Poster sucks horribly.

As insanely difficult it was to resist the temptation to make fun of Britney Spear's new pregnant picturesor Lindsay Lohan saying she "wants her boobs back" over at The Superficial I think they've pretty much said it all. But is anyone else thinking that Britney may be harvesting a small army of tiny Britlets who are going to butcher Jessica Simspon and Christina Aguleria with soap and knitting lessons? No, Just me?

Anywhoo; after the mediocrity of Rumour Has It's sexy aniston poster [and the subsequent orgasm becuase i said something about movies rather than celebrities]; i was browsing the web and stumbled across the Yours, Mines & Ours poster.


This ones going to take a while. Let me try and condense it slighty.

Problems off the top of my head

Dennis Quaid: Hi, Im Dennis Quaid. You might remember me from such kiddy flicks as "The Parent Trap". Im pretty washed up these days so im kind of souped that they gave me top billing. Look at my kind of souped look. Wait, No i am not Bill Paxton you prick. Hmm; so anyway look at me all dressed up in my security guards outfit! There ya go ive given you 10 minutes of character development before you've even seen the movie. Yes i guess it does kind of look like Cheaper By The Dozen; but its okay because when we were brainstorming we decided that the best way to make a better movie was to do ANOTHER remake with lots of kids ....but this time have MORE THAN A DOZEN kids. Like. 18. Its a winning formula; im telling ya! Rene Russo makes me all tingly inside.


Blonde Girl behind Door Number One: Hi, Im cute blonde Hilary Duff girl. Look at me; im so peppy and happy. Im actually opposite that creepy, and evidently deep brown haired girl and my blondeness and general fashion sense suggests im a bimbo who will be shamelessly slaughtered by brown haired girl who actually wants to be like me in every possible way but is too embarrased to admit it. But its okay because we will have this huge thing where we admit we are jealous of each other [because i wish i was deep like her] and then we will become like, bestest best friends. You know; with Dennis Quaids foot against this door and Rene Russos entire body weight apparently forced against it; you'd think id look a little more constipated and you know, not yearbooky, than i do here; but this is my pushing face. Honest.

Brown Haired Girl behind Door Number Two: Hi, Im cute brown haired girl. Im the direct opposite of the blonde haired girl in every way; not only am I physically opposite her in this composition - but im also kind of "Katie Snaggletooth Gone Wild"; see my rebellious facial expression? Hehe that means im a rebel and the fact that i have brown hair MUST mean im deep and not slutty at all; but of course as with all brown haired girls im really desperate to become cool and popular. I could also be kind of butch.

Lots of Kids: AGGGH WE ARE ANNOYING BUT WILL GET UP TO NO GOOD IN A WAR-OF-THE-FAMILIES. HOWEVER WE ARE LIKELY TO JUST PISS YOU ALL OFF UNLESS WE ARE CUTE LITTLE GIRLS WITH PIGTAILS AND GLASSES. WHICH WE ARE NOT. DIE, SOILDERS, FLOWERS ETC. YAY. WE ARE ON RITILIN TOO YOU kno.....w....must study hard. Must study hard. Must stu...

Black Young Adults: Hi, We are black and in our late teens, you can tell this because you have eyes and we are at the top of the door which indicates we are the oldest in this age spectrum tower. We are most likely adopted or will have to be explained in some way - but dont worry the film-maker will no doubt insult you all by giving a totally idiotic and rapid cliche as to why two non-white kids are in a clearly white family. Because if they dont you will just wonder throughout the entire movie. "Whats with the black kid" you racist shit. But fear not; we are most likely only here to conform to racial sterotypes anyway; LOOK im BLACK and have CORNROWS. Fo Shizzle!

White Young Adults: Hi, We are white and in our late teens, you can tell this because you have eyes and we are at the top of the door which indicates we are the oldest in this age spectrum tower. We dont need to be insulted by racial sterotypes; instead One of us will be the <strike>Ian Somerhalder</strike> Tom Welling character repeated except since we are clearly on moms side of the family we will defend her and try to keep security guard guy away because thats the whole premise of this movie. Don't worry chicks we will get shirtless too. Then the rest of us are just stock characters; the mid-teen fat kid and so forth likely to be disgusting and annoying in our morbid fascinations.

Rene Russo: H! Im Rene Russo! Im SO happy to be here and defying gravity of all things! Yay Down with gravity i say! Look at me in my suburban attire; indicating im somewhat of a Desperate Housewife you could say. This isn't me being shocked, by the way, this is the look i had to perform to get this role. All i had to do was open wide and close my eyes; then they "probed my mouth" with a "peniscilator" they called it; which measures how inoffensive and friendly my voice is. Afterwards they inserted some liquid to make sure my throat wasn't dry and i got the role!! yay! Anywhoo i like being airbrushed as you can see; and i guess im going to continue defying gravity for a lil while longer. Ciao! [P.S HAHAHAH SELLA WARD...HAHAHAHA!]

Boar/pig like creature eating an insanely perfect half of pizza: Well im clearly not some sort of dumb attempt to capitlise on the success of animals in saving other films. But i do lunch with Rodolfo from Along Came Polly and Jinx from Meet the Fockers. They all agree that theres big things ahead for me in Hollywood. My agent thinks i kind of look like Nicole Ritchie; i agree.

Skateboard and Ball: Hi, we are two random items showing the opposite interests and likely backgrounds of the two totally different families in this hillarious, not to be missed, clashing of worlds! Which is hillarious! And funny! Look at how these city kids meet up with these suburban brady bunchers and we have like this insane clash! Ahahaha!
Susan Soccer Ball: I am so taking that skateboard on when its not looking.
Rah Digga Stads Skateboard: Fo shizzle Bizatch, i ownz u ass! I seen da ghetto aiight!?

Everything Else:
Text - insanely crazy and cooky and family funish. Look how we are red and on a white background. Seen that somewhere before?im guessing so
Swinging Light - insanely crazy and cooky light. Look at how i am crazy and scarily familiar.
Boring, whitewash walls: give a house a personality!? Hah! That could categorise wherever this is set as either in suburbia or in the city; which is something we must avoid because this is clearly the two worlds colliding!
Awful catch phrase - insanely crazy and cooky catch phrases! Look at how we are crazy and familiar.

Im so bored now. I feel like it would have been wayyyy more fun heckling Pregnant Britney

By the way MGM sent me this: Anyone who suggests the entire poster is a 100% rip off of Cheaper By the Dozen's as this movie is so not likely to be is insane and should be shot on sight as they are likely to be highly dangerous and carrying various highly infectious diseases.

Heh. I never noticed Rene was off the ground until you mentioned she was defying gravity.

Another funny article.

Reese Witherspoon is a hypocritical bitch!

According To The Superficial; Reese Witherspoon slaughtered Jessica Simpson recently by saying...


Wow Reese i like, totally agree with you. I mean i'd agree with you even more if you didnt demand $20m a movie from playing a stupid blonde in practically every film youve ever been in. Really i would; ; and all those rumours that you slept with producers to get roles are just nonsense too im guessing [because ur so cute and would neva do that !!!]! Reese can i also just say in the nicest possible way that no one cares about what or who your Grandma did? We only care about your boobs and funny movies. [luv u dont b mad gurl!] So no more Vanity Fair's again either please? Thanks. Also; i strongly doubt your weak little bimbo arms could throw daggers - and am almost certain that Jessica Simpson could take your ass - even if your a vicious little hobo-woman Jessica Simpson has the advantage of murder-by-singing and has a massive rack that could easily slap your face silly.

By the way Reese ; Yes Jessica Simpson is Americas new darling. Want the title back? Get naked, toned and bronzed and dance around yapping about your undercarriage infront of a Yankee flag. You probobly still wont be darling again but whatever it'd be hot.

Lets hold onto that image for a second...



<strike>Reese Witherspoon is one women whos known in Hollywood for her agression and non-comprimising maniuplation of the power shes gained. This quote was not the only seeping out of the Witherspoon Mesh that shes actually a huge, condescending bitch </strike> Reese Witherspoon is lovely, cute and darling.Shes so endearing and funny and is a genuinely good actress whos well on her way to an oscar. She deserves every ounce of her stature in Hollywood because of her warm and genuine personality. But really, you gonna trust Kevin Smith after "Jersey Girl" and telling the world that Ben Affleck likes to put his testicles on his neck?

I must say I have a huge problem with actresses and actors who are bitches. I mean; for f^&*s sake its we, the movie goers, who pay their salaries and they act like theyve earned the right to be idiots because they knowingly enter the Stalkerazzi parade. I mean; if you ever see an actor or actress be nasty to the general public then you know they are total fuckwits in Hollywood; because im guessing that when the facade falls at a Hollywood party and jealousy rears its ugly head....well Reese Witherspoon is a great example of what happens.

You know what i think Reese should do for damage control is go to Shannen Doherty's Bitchification Detox Camp; where Bitch Shannen Doherty acts like a huge bitch for 3 months - until you break and realise that you too are just like Shannen Doherty and must atone for your sinful behaviour. Also coming soon - Tara Reid's "How to stop sleeping with Producers Camp" which has a similar idea to the Doherty Detox....I'll sign you up straight away Reese.

PS hows ryan? Tom Cruise asked me to ask when he was coming round for dinner again? Im making Tom a handbag so he can keep snaggletooth next to him at all times; all he has to do is clean it out once a day.

Damn, that YOURS MINE AND OURS poster sucks...the trailers worse

Reese said that in her Marie Claire interview and she didn't even reference Jessica Simpson. But the media loves to take things out of context and people so easily buy into their made up stories.

Also, Reese is not hypocritical. Legally Blonde was about a smart blonde. Even though people around her think she's stupid, she was anything but. She might have started out as overly superficial and flakey, but the movie was about her succeeding using her brains.

Lets replay some of Elle's lines from Legally Blonde:

"And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed."

"Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians."

"I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything."

"She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?"

Oh yeah, real intelligent character there.

Weren't all those quotes from the beginning of the film? Like I said, she started out flakey. She shows her intelligence later on in the film. I'm not saying Elle was a genius, but she wasn't dumb either.

Maybe i should make a post saying "If you take anything said here seriously; your dumber than the hot blondes im making fun of!"

HAHA.

The Yours, Mine, and Ours fucking rocks

But, um, saying Reese is a bitch is just a no no. Damn you to hell.

or "if you open this thread at all you're dumber than..."

oh...wiat. fuck


n/m

Congrats, Rod. Your The first person to be nasty about this amazzzzzingly awesome column!

Who knew it would be you? Well 64% of betters did; well done guys - payout is $28 a head.

Next Poll: Who will cry whilst orgasming whilst reading this thread?

You are the most obscene child I have never met

...I really dont know if i should take that comment as serious; because im not sure if ive ever heard someone seriously call me a child since i was what, 8?

You child you.

Christina Aguleria is a Jealous Skank!



Hey Christina; im thinking about suing you for gouging my right eye out since i was really quite attached to that eye. You should warn fans not to ask for autographs to be sold on ebay before attacking them violently btw.

Anyway i see you think Britney has "let herself go".
Well i dont know why but Pregnant women really don't seem to care what they look like when they are fostering a baby inside them. The get all fat and grow this huge, wierd looking belly and their boobs get bigger and they just look like big penguins! Its gross! But then again Christina, you'd probobly know about that on account of you constantly having babies left, right and center.


Britney Spears has sold like 40 million bagazillion more records than you; thats 40 million bagazillion more people willing to embarass themselves because they liked a song and think Britney Spears has a slammin ass. Britney Spears knows how to screw her fans around; and if they've stood by the embarrasment of being a Britney Spears fan this long; im pretty sure they will for a while longer. Every year people say Britney Spears is finished; and every year she seems to return much like a really sexy plague and sells shitloads more records. So why dont you run along, gouge another fans eyes out and sing about how powerful and independent and role-model worthy you are to women and gay men across the world whilst incidentally taking off all your clothes because your "comfortable enough" with your sexuality to do so without it being degrading to all of the ideals you claim to have. You amazing revolution for feminism you. Seriously Christina; just cave and start singing about virginity and your boobs again; just like Britney and her toxic boobs!

Also Christina: britney kind of has already made a comeback...
Britneys Singles Shifting Record
1998 - # 83 Singles Artist of the Year
1999 - # 3 Singles Artist of the Year (# 1 Female Artist of the Year)
2000 - # 4 Singles Artist of the Year (# 2 Female Artist of the Year)
2001 - # 25 Singles Artist of the Year(#9 Female Artist of the Year)
2002 - # 33 Singles Artist of the Year
2003 - # 106 Singles Artist of the Year
2004 - # 3 Singles Artist of the Year (# 1 Female Artist of the Year) with one of the best selling albums worldwide of the year.

See when you jump from #33 to #106 then back up to #3 thats kind of what we call a "comeback"



I guess its kind of wierd for Christina to see people, you know, WITHOUT fake colored contact lenses, 4596 different layers of bronzer and more cosmetic products on their body than Elizabeth Arden ships in a year [aka people who have "let themselves go"]- but When Christina DOES pull herself away from a mirror it seems all she does is wail about being a powerful woman/gay man in drag or wail about Britney Spears being shit; which is a great way to drop the image of britney-wannabe.

That said Britney Spears has the excuse of Pregnancy and that whole freaky "birds nest, layzeeboy hair" shes sporting right now as well as a jealous ratboy for a husband. The worlds Britney Spears Without Makeup images seem to all be of Spears walking around looking like shes just been shat out by Momma Federline. I mean seriously, Britney; put your hair DOWN, wash and BRUSH it, give your FACE A SCRUB ONCE IN A WHILE and then you'll be the sexy Makeupless britney we all [we all being me] know and love. Christina has an excuse im sure........... Oh yeah, the STDs.

Christina Stripped of permatan and makeup - Britney out and about pre-Federline without makeup [or so im told]


Christina: Yo. Who took my drugs yo!? Who took my drugs!?!?! My face feels.....it just feels! Whats happenin to my face yo?
Briteny: Wow i look like, totally awesome when i brush my hair like, but then i met Kevin Federline and he thinks i look way better like this and he dips my head in a deep fat fryer every night!

To be fair to these slutty little hotties they gamble what the press prints of them with their attitudes.

But enough of defending Britney and Christina from the sea of impressionable readers who fall into whatever image of fugliness the media wants to make middle aged bitchy women feel better about themselves from; I think all they should put makeup ON; wash their hair and dance naked with Jessica Simpson with OIL. .....Shakira can come too.


Have i shaken the very foundations of your belief system with this post? Britney Spears can look ....ok without makeup? Christina Aguleria has actually been PICTURED without makeup!?!?!....Jessica Simpson possibly is a man?!?!?!?

Take a deep breath, get that hand out of your pants and go take a cold shower.

Christina could go to hell.

With her, "Im afraid of being sucky, so I wont release anything all together" attitude.

She's afraid of sucking?!?

Oh, wait, you said afraid of being sucky. My mistake.

Lindsay Lohan thinks we're all fucking stupid!

You know; I get that Celebrities think they are better than us. Between Ewan McGreggtit moaning his way through superbomb "The Islands" uk premiere, To Jennifer Lopez making sure no one looks her in the eyes [INCASE SHE CATCHES COMMONPEOPLEITIS TRANSMITTED THROUGH EYE CONTACT ] its all totally fine - we tolerate it so we can make fun of them more.

But when celebrities insult the intelligence of the general public its a different matter.


Just yesterday; Kelly Osbourne said this.


Its a wierd coincidence; Lindsay Lohan recently died her hair blonde!omg! Wierd. Funnily; Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie and Tara Reid are also blonde. I wish we could all be best friends because when i go out i think of them as my role models and get as blittered as possible..in the name of Tara Reid. I mean her liver is probobly packing in any day soon - she needs someone to keep all those breweries in production.

Think of world poverty damnit!!!

Anyway im pretty shocked that Lindsay Lohan would even imply that anyone would possibly have the tiniest inkling that shes snorting coke; i mean i would understand if practically every rumour seeping from Hollywood said "Lindsay Lohan does lines".....Moving on... To be frank im shocked that Lindsay even went near pot! I mean shes such a wholesome rolemodel for young girls. And by wholesome i of course mean skeletal and incredibly awful. But if Lindsay Lohan says she wouldnt go near coke - i entirely believe the girl. Im pretty much certain shes on crack anyway.

Funnily enough; Lindsay Lohan was just telling the world how puberty is to blame for her weight problems before she claimed that coke is not on the agenda [when asked a general question about drugs; she felt the need to mention the one everyone says shes taking.]

Lindsay when i was going through puberty [which should have finished for you roughly Mean Girls time] I was 600 pounds overweight. Then i saw how much weight you lost and thought id better stock up with food for the big drop. Strangely, im now 700 pounds overweight. Its wierd because before Lindsay Lohan said it i never knew puberty could make you shed 90% of your body mass. I thought only ADDICTIONS TO DRUGS and HARD WORK could do that. Judging by your comments of denial and acting - i cant see evidence of either; so it MUST be some new revolution in puberty that only Lindsay Lohan knows about. Much like how Tom Cruise knows about psychology better than any person not in a crazy celebrity anal cult.

Its almost as though Lindsay Lohan gave that interview, ran out of the room into the toilet and opened her pockets of white dust; dropping to the ground to roll around in it. With her gross pancake titties. Lindsay Lohan's boobage returns after this short rehab career break. Im also pretty sure that if i was as fucking retarded as Lindsay Lohan seems to think i am then my penis would actually just fall off and go look for a better host because my drool would be making my body smell.

Did i mention Lindsay Lohan is awesome?

The Emancipation of Katie Holmes. Who is now black!


I really don't usually come to a situation where i am struggling for words.
But seeing Katie Holmes as a Saudi Arabian is pretty much as close as im going to get.

Shes evidently preparing a Mariah Carey style career in RnB when she will controversially <strike>breach contract </strike>split up with Tom Cruise and expose all in her sassy, sexy RnB album entitled "The Emancipation of Snaggletooth". Which would explain why shes went to Mariah's "Mimi" airbrush artist who is excellent at making women look like giant sexdolls. Not that im complaining ; infact Ye Freaky Toothed one actually looks fucking hot in that last picture - even if she looks like shes just appeared on an album cover on number one and National Geographic in number two.

All that said - going black has proved a popular move for many big artists recently.
Jennifer Lopez turned black and became J.Lo
Christina Aguleria turned black and became Ciara.
Justin Timberlake turned black and became fucking annnoying.
Britney Spears turned black and became too black so she accidentally turned too white and married trailer trash. Oopsie!



Katie: Little tip. If you don't want to attract the same old creepy guys who were turned on by your really wierd teeth; then don't make yourself look like a massive masturbating toy. Anyway i predict "The Emancipation of Snaggletooth" will be a giagantic hit selling well in excess of 60 million copies in Katies native Saudi Arabia alone.





She could even start her on brand "Snaggle" and create a perfume "La Femme de la Toothie" which would of course break all records.

Then she'd sign for Luis Vuitton; appear in its ad campaigns looking a little too much like Mischa Barton's manly counterpart; get lots of money and marry Jake Gylenhaall. Only to realise hes cheating on her with Tom Cruise; so she runs away to Madagascar but is hounded back into the music biz for her fiesty attitude filled comeback album which sells more than Elvis.

But in seriousness; im all up for a Katie Holmes re-invention as RnB's hottest new pink monster