Sure some gonna hate me but wayne here we go


-Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


-A vampire walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Can I have a hot cup of water, please."
The barman says, "I thought you only drink blood."
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."


-A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of petrol."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank"?

The bee answered, "BP."



-What did the kamikaze pilot say to his students?


-Doctor to the patient: You have to stop with the masturbation
Patient:Why?
Doctor: Because I want to check you now!


well

The vampire one is brilliant.

That one is a bit nasty

What is green and smells like pig ??

HAHA! BRILLIANT AGAIN!!!

Doctor: I have bad and good news
Patient:Dear god. Say the bad news first
Doctor: You have only three months left
Patient:Jesus no and whats the good news??
Doctor: I won 100000 Dollars yesterday in the lottery!

My latest favorite bad joke:

Reporter: Sir Paul, now that you have had such a bad experience with marriage, do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?

Paul McCartney: I'd prefer it if you would call her "Heather."

-There are two functions walking down a road.

On the horizon, they see a differential operator walking towards them.

The first function turns to the other: "Let's run, if that differential operator sees us, I've had it - I'm only the constant function"

The second one replies "Don't worry, just multiply yourself by me, you'll be fine - I'm e^x, and I'm my own differential"

The first function complies, and the newly formed product carries on down the road.

Time passes.

They reach the differential operator.

The function says to the operator "You don't scare me, I'm c*e^x".

And the operator replies: "I'm d/dy".


muhahahahahahah





-After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady... can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not!? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Ten'see, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."



-A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A rabbi is sitting on an airplane next to a Korean guy. After they have been flying together in silence for a while, the rabbi leans over and says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Chinese for what you did at Pearl Harbor."
The Korean looks shocked and replies, "What the hell are you talking about?!?!? It was the Japanese the bombed Pearl Harbor, not the Chinese. And besides, I'm not Chinese or Japanese, I'm Korean!"
The rabbi says, " Korean, Japanese, Chinese, what's the difference?"
A little while later, the Korean man says, "You know, I've never forgiven you Jews for sinking the Titanic." The rabbi looks confused and mad and says, "What are you talking about? The Jews didn't have anything to do with that! An iceberg sank the Titanic!"
The Korean guy replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, what's the difference?"

Another winning Filmo thread

I especially loved the alligator shoes and "piece of ass" ones Didn't get the math one at all, but that's ok.

It's calculus. I knew I took that course for something!

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girl's house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!".

The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football!" Being a modern woman, her mother runs out and gets her one.

The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football... "Nah Na Nah Nah!!". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!"

She runs in to mum and the next day is waiting for him on her new boy's bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mum can't buy you one!!!".

The next day he walks by and says to her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" To which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

I don't know why I like this one, but I just do:

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay.



Pretty much the greatest joke ever.

An Us journalist asks a Japanese

"Do you also have elections?"

"Oh yes, evely molning!"

What do you call it when Mick Jagger eats a canary and the robin.

On the first day of Kindergarden, the teacher said to the kids "Okay class, now that we are in school, we are now going to talk like grown ups and no more baby talk."

So the teacher said to one of the students "What did you do this summer?"

The first child replies "I went to go see my nanna"

The teacher said "Now remember, we are speaking like grown ups, we do not say nanna, we say grandmother."

"Okay, I went to see my grandmother." The first child replied.

"That's better" the teacher said. Then she talked to another child, "Okay, what did you do this summer?"

The second child said "I got to ride a choo choo."

"Now remember, we don't say choo choo, we say train," the teacher said.

"Okay, I rode on a train." The second child said.

"That's better" the teacher said. Then she talked to the third child, "What did you do this summer?"

The third child replied, "Well, my father read me a book."

The teacher asked "What book was that?"

The child thought it over, and then he says "Winnie the Shit."

I think the gang rape one's my favourite. Took me a couple of minutes to get it though. The old brain isn't what it used to be.

It took me a whole day. I JUST got it.

the stupidest yet the funniest clean joke i've ever heard

These 2 blonde girls love the idea of fishing but never done it. One day, they decide to take the initiative and go fishing. They have observed people fishing off bridges so they find the only one not occupied and lay down the lines. 2 hours go by and they catch no fish at all. Another hour passes by and still no fish. Feeling dejected, they're about to leave till they notice this new pair of guys walk up to another bridge. One guy holds the other from the ankles and lowers him. the guy puts his arms into the water and in 5 minutes, has tossed about 10 fish back up. The blondes, delighted, decide to do the same.

10 minutes in, no fish. Suddenly, they hear this loud horn, look in front and see this train coming towards them. the first blonde screams "raise me up!! raise me up!!" but the 2nd one is frozen in her place. She screams again "Raise me up!!!" but the 2nd doesn't and the train comes and hits her hard.

When the train is gone, the 2nd blonde climbs down from the bridge to see how the first is doing. she is badly injured all over, looks at the second and says "why didn't you lift me!! why didn't you lift me!!"

The 2nd one, not knowing what to do just sits there and cries. She finally says "I'm sorry. Is there something I can do now?"

The first replies "Yes, call me an ambulance"

The 2nd stares for a few seconds and eventually says "Okay. You are an ambulance"

Oh my God what a long way to go for that old joke, as heard in "Singin in the Rain" ("Call me a cab...")

A call comes into 911.

"Help!" the voice says. "My friend and I were hunting, and his shotgun went off and I think he's dead! What do I do?"

"OK, calm down," says the 911 repondent. "First, make sure he's dead."

There is a pause and then a loud shot is heard.

"OK," says the hunter, "now what?"