It was even worse than I thought it would be! All the ridiculous stuff I had heard of was there like dingbat Gwyneth Paltrow not beign able to figure out that there are 6 scientists missing and the last one is standing in front of her saying that he was the seventh member of a group and that there's only one left and she's desperately asking "Who is it doctor?". I haven't seen shit like that since Abbot and Costello's "Who's on first" schtick!

Giant robots attack! Now I'd have to watch it again to make sure (not on your life!), but it seemed to me that as they approached everyone was running around in the street and pointing towards them (lined up like Vegas dancers of course) while Gwyneth runs to a payphone to tell her editor that she just interviewed a scientist whom she has a sneaking suspicion just might be the next to be kidnapped. She doesn't call the police, she calls her editor.

But then the inadvertant hilarity REALLY kicks in. The military doesn't bother to actually attack the robots with anything, instead they call in (First name: Sky, Last name: Captain) the American pilot who lives on an island and talks with a British accent. He comes swooping in with his tricked-out plane that just happens to be equipped for fighting giant robots. This includes firing a trip wire in front of them. For some reason he has practically his whole fucking head tucked into his jacket like a turtle throughout this sequence. He never does it again, just this one time. And of course he's wearing his goggles in his sealed, impervious cockpit.

But that's just the beginning. We have many more levels of retardation to tread. What's happening on the ground for instance. Gwyneth, holding her circa 1980 camera, is busy running around the feet of the giant robots. It reminded me of a puppy that won't leave you alone. Why is she doing this? She couldn't take a picture from farther away? Then she could actually see what was happening instead of running around trying to get a upangle shot of a leg. I found myself laughing and rolling my eyes as she positioned herself right in front of the approaching foot trying to take a picture. Imagine Luke Skywalker attempting to take a picture just as the foot of the AT-AT is about to crush him, it's THAT stupid!

Let me take a moment to talk about the effects. Sometimes they work, particularly when it's a close-up on the characters and the background is out of focus. Most of the time it reminded me of those old video games in which the characters were dropped into CGI backgrounds. Because, well, that's what it is. The CGI is very low-rent so it's impossible to actually believe it is real. If the film would have been entirely CG with CGI characters, perhaps it would have worked better. As it stands, you never believe for a moment that the characters are ever in danger because it's like Bob Hoskins in Toon World in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Some of the shots are well composed and the designs are interesting, but that's about the only compliments I can come up with. The blur factor and lack of color is annoying at first but you get used to it.

So Sky Captain goes back to his island to find Gwyneth waiting for him. She holds up some blueprints to the robots that she got from the scientist. How'd he get the blueprints since he wasn't part of the team? Your guess is as good as mine. But this is just an excuse to get her teamed up with him because the blueprints don't solve anything and are never referred to again.

The island base is attacked by flapping-winged robot things. Some of the best shot in the movie are in this section and show up in the trailer for that reason. However, it's still stupid. It makes no aeronautical sense. Now another bizarre story point shows up. One of the robot-things is recieving some sort of transmission and Dex is trying to pinpopint it's location. How the hell is he going to do that? We see him playing with a compass on a map. He's not looking at any sort of equipment or anything. Is he a psychic or something? While this is going on, Sky Captain is chasing these planes back to the city. Somehow they end up chasing him. So then he gets the brilliant idea to fly at ground level in the streets and is surprised to see a truck right in front of him around a corner. Now remember, this guy is a flying ace! Yet, if he didn't have a babbling bimbo in the back of his plane he would have flown right into a wall because she has to remind him at one point to avoid it! SC gets out of this mess by slamming his plane around 500 miles an hour into the ocean. It is undamaged of course. FUCK PHYSICS!

So Dex pinpoints the origin of the signal, it's in Nepal. Why? Why not? Just then these other giant robots enter the base and grab Dex. Are these the plane-robots? Did they go all "transformers" on me? If not, how the hell did they get there? Anyway, one of them has Dex in his "tentacle" and Dex is figuring out how to keep the map hidden. We find out later that he somehow stuck it to the ceiling with gum. This is a giant hangar. Do you think this robot is going to hold him up to the ceiling (which in the wideshot is about twice the height of the robot) long enough so that he can stick the map to it with a piece of gum? I also love how Gwyneth follows the clue of the gum wrapper to make the discovery. "Oooooh, a gum wrapper on the floor, It MUST be a clue as to Dex's wherabouts! What could it mean? Let me look at the ceiling 50 feet away and see a 2 inch piece of paper stuck to it" It's so annoyingly retarded.

So our bickering heroes are off to Nepal. They find a workshop completely empty except for a miniaturized elephant. This is funny because Jude is looking at the elephant and Gwyneth is mesmerized by the space three inches to the left of it. Hello guys? Yeah, this is why they mark the spot the actors are supposed to look at! Somewhere around in here they find a guy who gives Gwyneth two metal vials. Actually I thought they were bullets the rest of the movie until they were explained at the end. For some inexplicable reason, SHE HIDES THEM from Sky Captain. What possible purpose would there be to do that? Beats the fuck out of me. So I think it's here that they get captured and wake up naked in bed together. I have to admit I laughed for the RIGHT reasons in this scene when Jude rolls over and sees their big hairy guide guy naked in bed with them too. They meet some old guy who tells them to follow Rhana. That's really cryptic and vague and obviously means nothing to our heroes. Satisfied he has just solved everything for them however, the old man now asks a favor in return. He wants Sky Captain to kill him! WTF? I have no clue what that is doing in the movie! Talk about weird! So what happens next? No idea because the screen gets wiped and the two are flying in the plane in some random direction.

Gwyneth discovers that the scientists notes, diary and everything else have somehow magically apeared in the back of SC's plane, right there at her feet. How's that for a koinki-dinc? It's also got some sort of star registry or something. SC figures they are to follow the star Rhana. Even though it's broad daylight, he glances up and figures which direction to go. Coincidentally, they were headed in that direction already. There's some gobbledygook about how he figures out the exact distance to travel, then he calculates when he will run out of gas, about 3/4 of the way there.

But no problem because Sky Captain's plane contains a telegraph. Funny, I didn't realize they could operate in an airborne plane. Why doesn't he use the radio instead? Good question. So as soon as he runs out of gas the flying airstrip shows up. Why is it flying instead of sailing? No clue. Anyway, Angelina Jolie is there waiting to purse her lips and attempt a British accent again.

As they approach the island, they get attacked both by robo-planes and AAA. Angelina sounds the retreat and the flying airstrip starts to back away from the AAA. But SC tells her that Dex is on that island, so she quickly moves back into the AAA. They decide the best way to invade the island is to slam planes into the ocean and swim there. My question is, why do you have to be in range of the AAA to do that?

So now we see the scene from Disney's Atlantis. The ship graveyard and the giant robot guardian of the hidden entrance. Why have a hidden entrance? Why not just blow it shut? It's not like they use it for anything. See, that would be LOGICAL and you should have left logic at the door. So they fire all these missles at the robot, whom just sits there by the way, and nothing happens. At this point Angelina, who conveniently happens to be wearing SCUBA gear, flies her plane right into the robot, ejects out of the cockpit, flies up to the surface, some 200 feet above, and I can only assume she dies of the bends. Now all these missles (loaded with explosives) did nothing to this robot but apparently a plane flying into it obliterates it.

So they enter the secret passage and get onto the island where they are greeted by a giant flamingo/dinosaur. Why is it here? No clue. Then they get attacked by a pterodactle. Why is IT here? No idea. They run to a ravine and I think "No problem, just look for the King Kong log". As soon as I thought that, SC looks to his left to discover (shock of shocks) THE KING KONG LOG!

Anyway, now we're in the base and we see the insidious plot. Totenkof has decided the world is evil and so he has filled a rocket with miniaturized animals. Where is he taking them? The film is not concerned with such trivial details. Assuming he finds a planet that can support life, what's he going to do with a bunch of miniaturized animals? Again, stop using your brain! Will he be the only human or is he bringing a female? Nope, just him. Well, he intended to bring those two vials which we now discover are human DNA. What he plans on doing with that human DNA with no human female subjects in which to implant it is befuddling at best. I guess he doesn't really want to start over again does he?

So now Dex runs up to them leading the scientists saying "I escaped somehow, let's go!" See, the 6 scientists that just went missing about a week ago have somehow designed and built this whole thing. Apparently it was all ready to go. So why did they need the last scientist? SC says "Fuck it, just let him go". Aaaah, but see this rocket has magic engines that will, and I quote, "incinerate the Earth". Ohh, I see. Yeah, somehow these tiny little rocket engines are going to completely destroy the Earth. Something tells me this was a last minute addition.

So SC has to fight this Darth Maul ripoff chick. Gwyneth actually kills her. The door to the rocket stays open all by itself (on a completely automated rocket ship) until the last second of the countdown. Gwyneth and SC get in just as the door is closing. The rocket launches and Gwyneth spontaneously learns to read German so she can press the "emergency dump" button. This lets all the little animals fall out through the bottom of the rocket. These animals fall right through 100 feet of fire from the rocket engines and parachute to safety. Why the hell would there even be a button that does that? Beats me. But wait, somehow the Darth Maul ripoff chick managed to get aboard even thought he door sealed behind SC just as the rocket launched! Somehow they hit a self-destruct button or something and get out in an escape pod. End of story.

Wow. That's about all I can say. Nah, I can say more. This movie SUCKED! It was HORRIBLE! NO WONDER it made less than Catwoman! I mean, it was flabberghastingly bad! It's truly hard to picture someone actually enjoying this dung heap.

hi Fett, wecome to Kj :wink:

do you think that Sin City will be anything like Sky Captain? they are being compared to each other all the time, but I see no similarites :???:

God I hope not! Rodriguez has talent, but I'm a little concerned with his filmmaking technique. I just hope SC doesn't look so plastic and fake. From what I've seen it looks fantastic!

thankyou Fett :wink:

Just like Sky Captain, Sin City will bomb. It's too offbeat and stylisstically different. Sorry, but if SC won't make it, this certianly won't. Especially with an R Rating.

BJ...

The quality won't be the same (hopefully), but the box office will be. Both movies are similar in the way that they are different. :wink:

That was one of the funniest reviews I've read in a long time. I love doing angry, sarcastic reviews.

i really think the R rating will help out a bit
i mean Sky Captain was PG, who the hell wants to see an Action/Adventure Science Fiction movie rated PG, not me :razz: , also a big factor, Sin City has a great Cast!!......

lol why one earth would an R rating hurt a film like sin city :???: , its target audience would be pissed if it were not rated R :wink:

I think Sin City will do very well. Much better than Sky Captain in my opinion. It's not as far fetched as Sky Captain, and although it is different, its not that far of a stretch. I see Sin City making upwords of $80 million, it also looks more appealing than Sky Captain, and the all star cast is definitely going to help it.

Fett, I don't think Sky Captain and the World of Tomorow is a very good movie. But I hardly think that there's a lot of merit for attacking the nitpicky little things in there like whether or not Jude Law is wearing his goggles. :razz: It's supposed to be cheesy and like a serial, so anything that didn't make sense can be easily forgiven, it's all intentional. That's not to say it isn't a very flawed movie, but having 90% of your review be about the smallest little things in the movie man, c'mon, it's stretchin it. Cool to see you're still doing your reviews, which even if I don't necessarily agree with, are undeniably funny. I still laugh whenever I think of Lawrence Fishbourne as a "lost retard wandering around the zoo"

I love you Fett. Have my Fett babies.