The 3D... didn't make the movie worse.

Alright, I was able to catch the movie this past weekend. I wasn't really sure what to expect, most of the reviews seemed to hate the movie (38% on rottentomatoes), but there were quite a few that said it was a step up from the mess that was Revenge of the Fallen. Some even declared it the best of the trilogy. So I went in with mixed expectations, just hoping for a decent fun popcorn movie that didn't hurt my brain like the last one. And what I got instead was

jesus fucking christ the worst motherfucking piece of flaming cock shit movie I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. Fuck this movie, fuck everything about it. Was it better than TF2? NO. IT WAS WORSE. Revenge of the Fallen was an unmitigated disaster, a script-less clusterfuck of a movie where you could almost hear Michael Bay apologizing for how stupid and nonsensical it accidentally turned out due to the writers' strike. But Dark of the Moon seems to have deliberately been crafted to be the worst movie ever made. No external factors here, this was the purest distillation of Michael Bay's vision and what he sees is a universe filled with doodoo feces. It's the intentional retardation of TF3 that finally convinced me that Michael Bay truly is an awful director on the level of Uwe Boll, and that the second movie wasn't the accident, it was the first one that was. Somehow the first Transformers movie, through some magical series of happy coincidences, managed to not suck (whether it was the greater influence of Spielberg, or the more restrained performances from the humans, or the newness of it all). But Transformers 3 is Michael Bay's magnum opus of shit, where he gets to do everything he always wanted to do and every step of the way it is the worst possible thing in the history of cinema. If you gave me this movie and asked me to adjust some details to make it even worse, I COULD NOT DO IT, besides simply making it longer.

The humans. Dear god the humans. Every second you see a human face you want to punch it. Every actor and actress involved delivers the worst performances of their careers. Watch John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, Alan Tudyk, John Turturro, Ken Jeong, and most of all Shia LeBeouf compete for this year's razzies. It's a waste of talent not unlike that of the Star Wars prequels, where George Lucas reduced such brilliant actors as Liam Neeson, Natalie Portman, and Ewan McGregor to cardboard cutouts. And all of it is so goddamn unnecessary. Rather than the human characters in TF3 doing things that actually seem important to the plot (like the tension-building early stuff in the first movie), they just run around making complete dumbasses of themselves for 90 minutes as the real meat of the plot happens without them. Quite a lot of time is spent on Shia trying to get a job. Why? Because Michael Bay hates his audience. It is filled with attempts at comedy so bad I basically spent the whole time facepalming. There is literally nothing at all redeeming about the first 90 minutes, which is usually enough time for more competent directors to deliver entire satisfactory movies. And Shia's new girlfriend.....yeeeagghhh gods she was fucking terrible. She made Megan Fox look like Meryl fucking Streep.

So I was at least ready to start liking the movie an hour and a half in once it seemed that the Transformers were about to take central stage, but NOOOOO the humans kept showing up and doing fucking stupid things. The reviews are claiming the last hour is a rollercoaster of pure all-out robot mayhem, but it feels like you're riding a sine wave of poop as the rollercoaster makes its way towards shit mountain. EXPLOSION! Shia LeBeouf making a fool of himself. BLAM! That skinny chick making pouty face. BOOM! Tyrese screaming at something. They keep cutting the robot action with shitty human stuff like a drug dealer who cuts his cocaine with baby laxative. Shia's girlfriend character actually has a stupid little conversation with Megatron towards the end where she magically convinces him to turn on his ally. Wow. I wanted to jump on the screen with a knife and slide down it like Errol Flynn in those old pirate movies.

Another reason I despise this film is how it wastes so much potential. The basic plot of this one actually could have gone somewhere interesting as it is about **SPOILER** Sentinel Prime realizing the civil war threatens to exterminate both Autobots and the Decepticons, and be the complete end of their species. So he agrees to a truce in the future in which they will work together to bring their planet to other worlds and use the resources to rebuild Cybertron. It's a nice idea and I could even sympathize with the robots involved. But the movie is not interested in exploring such grey areas. Instead Sentinel simply becomes evil and starts killing other Autobots without even trying to make them understand what he is doing. Megatron is totally invisible in this film, skulking around doing jack shit, before suddenly appearing at the end to challenge Optimus to a final battle, which is over in literally a second. An hour of "action" at the end, but if you blink you miss the final showdown between Optimus and Megatron?! Fuck this shit. I always thought Megatron was the most interesting character in these movies and they couldn't even give him a proper send off. And it's not like they ran out of time. Optimus spends like 20 minutes tangled in fucking wires in the sky before that which is a convenient way to keep him out of the fight as humans have to run around and do stupid things. I wanted to see robots beat the crap out of each other, not humans sliding around in a tilting building. I repeat again. Tangled. In. Wires. For. 20. Minutes. The last hour of the film probably only has like 10 minutes of actual action if you cut out all the scenes of people walking around or talking to each other.

So yeah, there are a few shiny moments in the movie. But they are overshadowed by just how mindnumbingly and aggressively stupid the rest of the film is. Action movies do not have to be like this. Michael Bay chooses to do this. There are genuinely amazing films out there like Inception and then something like this crap comes along and will probably make a lot more money. It's like hanging the Mona Lisa next to a portrait of a man slowly working a soldering iron up his ass. It's flat out insulting that Michael Bay thinks action movies have to be this dumb. The racist bots are gone, but two irritating tiny robots continue to run around fucking up any enjoyment you might get. When those two end up bringing down a giant Decepticon ship at the end all I could think of was Jar Jar Binks defeating the Droid army on Naboo. People don't look back at Star Wars Episode I and say yeah it had its problems, but damn I loved the action. No, they say it was a piece of shit. And so is this film. I give it the worst rating I've ever given anything.

0/10

Less retarded plot and is a bit interesting.


B+

Not long enough. Not enough final battle.

+1

+2

+2

Poor you. Maybe you should see a therapist.

The best "money shots" were the ones with the skydivers/'wingmen.' There was a real sense of, "Holy shit, this is a crazy cinematic experience" in those few moments.

The people responsible for three hour long Pirates of the Caribbean films, ladies and gentlemen.