The Most Deranged Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read
Caity Weaver

There are two things the Delta Gamma sorority's University of Maryland chapter refuses to tolerate. The first is Delta Gammas who are "LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD." The second is young ladies who are "so fucking BORING."

Last week, bitches got told.
A tipster forwarded us the following expletive and CAPS-ridden email tirade, sent to the entire sorority chapter by one of its executive board members, that will go down in history as one of the most passionate denunciations of FUCKING AWKWARD AND BORING-ness ever committed to words.

The impetus for the email: Sisters' inability to participate in Greek Week activities (particularly: those involving their "matchup" fraternity, Sigma Nu) to the satisfaction of the board.

(Put another way: Delta Gamma's leadership was concerned that its young achievers weren't living up to the sorority's historic mission "to foster high ideals of friendship among college women, to promote their educational and cultural interests, to create in them a true sense of social responsibility and to develop in them the best qualities of character.")

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.

In the missive, the author expresses concern for her sisters' ("you stupid cocks") mental well being...

Are you people fucking retarded?

...and encourages them, earnestly, to reach out to her if she might be of assistance.

That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events.

She reveals that she has received word from individuals expressing concern that Delta Gamma girls have not been themselves at recreational sporting events...

I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports

...and behaving in ways observers found unusual.

but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!!

Though the author understands the importance of good sportsmanship...

I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship

...she worries this behavior could create the impression that Delta Gamma is a house divided.

I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

Finally, she instructs any sisters who might not feel up to socializing to stay home and recuperate...

I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober.

...because maintaining an atmosphere of conviviality is key.

I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots.

Love you girls!

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

Here's the full email (with the author's name changed):

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

We've reached out to the author for a response and will update when we hear back from her.

UPDATE: We received the following email from the chapter president, who says that the email does not reflect the chapter's values.

My name is Rachel Norris and I am the current president of Delta Gamma at the University of Maryland. It has been brought to my attention that you recently published an unsavory email that was sent out over my chapter's list-serve. Is it possible for you to either remove the article or just remove the names "Delta Gamma" and "Sigma Nu" from your article? This email absolutely does not reflect our chapter's values nor Sigma Nu's and any assistance you can give us is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Rachel Norris

I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself

Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events.

What is a "cunt punt" ?

I can confirm this to be true.

Do we know the writer's name?

This chick is basically a combo of Regina George and the Antichrist, by the way, as if the email hadn't already confirmed that. lol:

http://www.brobible.com/college/article ... il-twitter

This chick is basically a combo of Regina George and the Antichrist, by the way, as if the email hadn't already confirmed that. lol:

http://www.brobible.com/college/article ... il-twitter