saw it. Theres nothing to see; the image of her hunching over lines of coke is only in it for like 91390489698 milliseconds

Snaggletotth incubating spawn!

I'm slow on the mark this week; I'll grant you - but how could I let something as insignificant as Katie Holmes' "pregnancy" slide. It's with Tom Cruise's alleged semen. So Im guessing that IVF really is the popular choice for virgins. Maybe Katie Holmes decided she wanted to be like the Madonna and have an "immaculate conception" except it actually involved a turkey baster and a whole lot of "alternative" pornography. John Travolta can come too. Just kidding hehe. Silly Johnny.



Well im happy for Snaggletooth, I really am. She's sweet and cute and either really niave or a really huge sellout. Either way; I think it's about time to pass on Tom Cruise's sexually ambigous box office-gold sperm. Well it's not like Ryan Phillipe and Lindsay Lohan are going to be carrying the Tom and Julia torches quite as gracefully, now is it?


On that note - Ryan; stop walking about Hollywood shirtless; we get what your trying to do because it's a little bit obvious when you stop to pose for photos...without your shirt on.

Im pretty sure it says that in the bible if you worship any other religion or god then your pretty much damned to hell. But I haven't read the bible since I was expelled for church. Its a funny story involving my flexible neck, Saddam Hussain, naughty words and bucketsfull of peepee/vomit. Good times. But anyway dosen't that mean that Kate Holmes and Tom Cruise are actually incubating some sort of demon-child born of sinful worship of an idiots another religion? Well I'm not sure but im just going to say it anyway. Infact im going to say when it pops out its going to look like the dude.

Maybe it was all part of Floozy Cruisey's little life plan. Maybe it was in the contract for a bonus. Who knows? Who even cares. Congratulations to TomKat on their little one.Maybe it was all part of Floozy Cruisey's little life plan. Maybe it was in the contract for a bonus. Who knows? Who even cares.

Congratulations to TomKat on their little one

08/10: Cameron Diaz needs to shut the fuck up

Cameron Diaz, shut the fuck up. Seriously, just don't talk ever again. See, Cammy; by calling the British "Incestous"not only have you just offended roughly 80 million Brits across the world; but you've made a good few hundred more come to the realisation that your actually incredibly stupid. That is of course if they didn't hear your theory about gravity in which you claimed you had been "noticing it from a very young age"

If you want proof that Cameron Diaz is likely to be mildly unpopular in Britain when she flys in to force her new movie down everyones throats then click here. In which she drops clangers like "The British are so incestuous. They pass partners around as if they were passing popcorn at a movie." and "I saw 10 minutes of 'Love Actually' the other day and I was like: 'Oh my God, he's in love with his friend's wife!' He never talks to her but talks to his friend all the time so that he can stare at his wife. It's like this weird obsession with each other's boyfriends and wives and girlfriends."

Maybe her giant mouth is impairing her ability to, you know, think. Maybe she thinks that romantic comedies are based on real life situations despite her affinity of starring in them
P.S - Hugh Grant; take your rebuttle now.

Hilary Duff is one sexy horse!

You know whats wierd? I can totally call Hilary Duff sexy now without having to clear my <strike>internet explorer</strike> Mozilla Firefox history and go shower. Although today will probobly be the first and last time I actually call her sexy; because normally when I see Hilary Duff I get down on my knees and start praying for redemption. But anyway; the point is - at her 18th Birthday Party she actually didn't look like a fuggo anorexic horse. [Pictures after the jump]

Jump!

[Sorry guys im having to watch my bandwidth as of late. Oh what the hell ill treat you to one courtesy of MSN

In Other News: The Deli's now passed 10,000 hits. Combined with this column [and its true home] thats over 15,000. Horrah!

Tara Reid puts Frankenboobie on leash!

Godamnit I love Tara Reid. Mostly because she refers to her own breasts as hooters. But also because she thinks the world was shocked when her boob fell out just because it was a boob; and not because it was a boob with disgusting scars of alien plastic surgery designed to give it a life of its own. All of you terrified about Taras tit jumping off and eating you in your sleep can now rest easy - Tara has started taping her tits down.


Tara Reid is even more awesome for actually making her boob seem like some sort of fiendish criminal who is capibible of shooting Ghandi or "choking someone to death". I am going to disguise myself as a plastic surgeon and sneak in to Taras home to tell her that she's probably not helping any kids stop the bed wetting with her "my tit has a life of its own!" analogies. And shes defiantely not helping Fergie BEP stop the bed wetting.

But lets just have a moment and imagine Taras frankenboobie breaking loose from its straps and going on a wild killing rampage.

Having trouble?


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In other news: The Lohan Boobwatch takes a terrifying turn into HAIRWATCH! and Bruce Willis is a dirty old man.

Salamimi Fights Back!

I was wondering how long this column could go on recycling old 'Hilary Duff is a Horse' jokes, looks like not for much longer because now I can start recycling old 'Mariah Carey is a Salami' jokes because low and behold everyones favourite meat product is back from the grave. Thank god I thought for a minute there she was regaining her sanity. I forgot to take my pills today.



Alrighty then Cucumber Carey; I think its about time you and I had us a little chat....

Before we get started; can I just say how much I hate you for "Shake it Off" which has been plaguing my mind like the image of walking in on my computing teacher pulling down my religious eduction teacher's pan.....wait I've said to much. Damnit why are oaths of secrecy so hard to remember? Oh yeah because they pumped me full of Tequilla afte....... Anyway; thanks for that one Mimi; because its not like Kelly Clarkson's already conquered enough of my brain. That fuggo cavetroll....Here I am once again......brb.

So....I just wanted to inform you Mariah, that yes you may be fabulous, but you are also insane. I don't mean like, mental instutiton & scenes of scratching and struggling to get away from the drugs they are pumping into your system insane either. Oh no. Much worse. The kind of crazy that "Mimi" Carey is involves having her dog chauffeur drivenacross America. But that's why apparently the entire world loves Mariah. I was kind of baffled as to why she had this huge big comeback at first; but then I realised that there was a really, really big shortage of famous sausages in the world right now.

.
Seriously; God - not a great way to get attendance up on a Sunday.

Madonna Is Hitler

Note: Due to the high level of formatting used in this story's original copy; its highly recommended that users view it on The Deli or the meaning of various points may become mute.

Newsflash: Madonna is a controlling bitch!
Heh. I like to spew off old news like its still fresh. But there's an update in the twisty saga of Madonna being a giant bitch. It turns out that Madonna, [who was outlawed for her bad teeth to England] who is TOTALLY British don't you know, is a controlling psychopath of a mother whos house sounds somewhat similar to a concentration camp. Frontpagers will have to click Read More for the full story...




Holy shit; and I thought Mariah Carey was fucked up.

Disturbing phrase #1: "When Daddy gets home, they’re going to get chocolate."
Watch Guy Ritchie....watch him very closely.

Disturbing phrase #2: "I Worry about their teeth"
I wonder if Madonna has any mirrors in her household.

Distrubing phrase #3: Madonna is writing a childrens tv series in which children will find themselves in "challenging situations".

That show sounds like the best fucking shit ever! So original! So inspiried! How many shows can you say put their lead characters in "challenging situations" ? Well, like Madonna I don't watch any television or indulge in anything remotely pleasurable whatsoever which is why I too am a bitter old bitch - so Im going to take a guess and say "not many".

What I immediately think of when I read this is "How many times a day do Madonnas kids make a run for the gates?" because seriously; that self righteous superho is all kinds of crazy. Dissing television when it was the medium in which she piggybacked her entire career? Smart. Telling the world that the only fun thing her kids get to do she may take away from them if they've been naughty [which in this circumstance may be something as trivial as impersonating an American] ? Smarter still. Letting the local community know she sends her kids to school in the same clothes as punishment? Asking for scratches down the Mercedes!

Shes clearly training her kids to be some kind of robot army [its the only possible explaination]. I mean no compassionate woman would make her daughter "earn her clothes" back surely. Where Madonna claims her daughters "earning tasks" involve "being tidy, picking things up in her room, making her bed in the morning, hanging up her clothes" im pretty sure what she means is that they involve "Praying to Kaballah for 5 hours, whipping your brother or sister on the back for 102 lashes, lying on your bed of concrete in the morning, and cleaning the entire mansion twice."

Who would have known from her videos involving girl on girl action, black Jesuses, burning crosses, cone brassieres, and bodys shattering into a thousand crows that she could be this psycho? Not me, that's for sure.

you have issues dude.

Bizarely straight after the post in which Madonna was a sadomachisitic mother. Coincidences are funny things.

If I knew any mothers who did the shit Madonna does to her kids I'd egg her house.

again, issues.

Uh huh...

It's somewhat surprising that Madonna would bring her kids up in such a strict environment. She grew up the same way and ended up rebelling against her father. Doesn't she worry her kid will follow that same path?

Black jesuses?
The black guy in her video is a black saint called San Martin de porra.

I wonder what would happen if someone admitted they thought Madonna sucked.

Madonna does suck,atleast her music does IMO.

Christina Aguilera is a cheap sellout.

Okay, so the title isn't exactly telling you anything new. But apparently; advertisement campaigns transmitted across the world in which Christina Aguilera claimed to love Coke after having drunk it all her life were actually all horrible lies because shes just finished filming an ad for arch rival Pepsi. Im guessing this means that Christina Aguilera actually is a lifelong drinker of Coke; but only in Latin America and affiliated countries which screened the campaign. In America, Europe, Japan and all major Pepsi countries - Aguilera thinks Coke tastes like camel peepee. For heavy Pepsi drinkers like the Deli Llama is not good news. It's not like I started drinking Pepsi because Britney Spear's jingle played backwards actually holds terrifying subliminal messages or anything. Honest.

The point here is Christina Aguilera is selling out. Again. For a singer whos desperate to distinguish the difference between her and her arch rival; Aguilera is really going about it the right way - by promoting nearly every product that Spears has promoted before her. That's totally going to help your bid to step out of her shadow, Christina. Just like dressing up as a skankbot will help the public tell you two apart. And if selling out once a month wasn't bad enough; shes also sold her wedding rights for $600k. Thats over $1m less than Britneys; and begs the question of "why?". Well ive got a few theories...... [more after the Read More for hompeagers]

a) Christina Aguilera has decided that she only needs $600k for the rest of her days and has plans to retire to a life of subsistence farming in South east asia. Much to the joy of everyone at Guantanamo Bay
b) Christina Aguilera saw this darling orphan on Ebay. Being not so bright and forgetting that shes a multi-millionairess, Aguilera decided she'd have to go on a "Saved By The Bell"-esque money raising campaign for the young orphan and all of a sudden realised that she could make the exact amount requested for the Orphan [which is a limited edition plated in gold and encrusted with South African Diamonds] by whooring her wedding rights.
c) Christina Aguilera is a fame hungry whoore who saw her wedding as a good way of getting publicity. [clearly the least likely option]

Maybe at Pepsi they did a Vagina Poll and looked at thousands of images of each singer to see which one has been showing more vagina in recent years. Because everyone knows Vagina can sell gut rotting syrup. And everyone knows that the Vagina Poll is one of the few areas where Christina Aguilera has a clear lead over all rivals.

Christina Aguileras wedding photographs can be seen in next issues Star! Magazine next to Anna Nicoles 3.5 Reasons Why Thongs Are Great.

For the record: Lately ive been liking Christina Aguilera more than I can remember liking her. So shes not allll bad.

Just as Britney Spears stops looking like shit, two other celebrities start

Fugwatch: Kelly Clarkson << Who looks like a deer in some really unflattering headlights.

Fugwatch: Jack Osbourne << Are you even surprised?

Jennifer Aniston Stalks Vince Vaughn

Earlier I reported how Jennifer Aniston was falling out of bin bags all over the place and molestering people. Well it looks like shes turned her molestering attention to co-star and rumoured lovebaby Vince Vaughn. I bet hes overjoyed.



So apparently for the devestatingly attractive, [large]jaw droppingly rich girl next door this year, a plain looking man with a personality is the accessory to die for! And world famous Hollywood sexgods are out out out.

Which is too bad for me.

Oh come on Clarkson doesn't even look that bad in that picture. And Jack would look normal, in fact actually much better than normal as of now, if he didn't have that mohawk. His skin, features, and weight are good compared to what he had before.

Kelly Clarkson looks effing awful. Im serious, as much as i'd normally do her. Those pictures are the least convincing argument for her hotness ever.

Its not nearly as bad as say, this:



Clarkson looks like a normal girl.

Which poses the question, Why is she famous?
Theres a mythology that Hollywood is full of superbeautiful people who look amazing all the time and have these fabulously glossy lifestyles and love everyone and everything is green grass and red carpets. Sounds stupid? It is; but its what the world on some level believes as the celebrity lifestyle. That celebs are transcendent, that they are better than us because they have status and wealth.

Its obviously a crock of bullshit and whenever an image like this comes out and shows the world that celebrities are actually pretty plain and normal - theres a huge deal made about it and the media tear them to shreds and the public love it. The green eyed media monster [fuelled by the level of a stars exposure] grips a celebrity at a certain point of their career usually. See

here [Jessica Simpson]
or
here
or
here

And infact the media actively seek out celebrities on the dress down, then they wait for that one split second where they are doing something that makes them look remotely ugly and snap. Frontpage of all the tabloids you'll never read "Jessica Simpson Depressed about Nick!" apparently depression = eating.

But really...at a public event Kelly Clarkson should not be looking like this. Theres enough pressure for celebrities to look good all the time as it is - but the one time you should probobly make an effort is at the one place where theres going to be an array of paparazzi, where your going to be posing for pictures and hopefully making some magazine spreads for the right reasons.

Hilton looks like a mental patient in that picture.

Clarkson is hot. All the time. 'Nuff said.

Did Jack Osbourne grab that girl from the 1950s? She looks confused by the advancements in the year 2005. That, and she shouldn't look like a fucking plastic figurine.

And there's absolutely no reason in the world why Britney Spears looks that ridiculously, jaw-droppingly hilarious in that picture. She looks like someone slipped her Ex-lax, and she locked herself in her own car.