Please stop denying to everyone here that you love me and that this thread is your one guilty pleasure.
It feels like when i had to have those worms surgically removed

I've caught herpes and a slight cough from this thread.

Thats wierd; most people just pick up genital warts..

Well, I didn't know we were supposed to count things we already have.

Your sharp on the mark tonight, Xism.

Ashlee Simpson is disgusting!
Same story, except prettyer at the Deli

Ashlee Simpson revealed recently that she didn't wash for "like a week" when filming for her big screen debut in "Undiscovered" - the worst reviewed film of the year; garnering a lower rating than superbombs like "Gigli" and "Catwoman".


I always knew that Ashlee Simpson was pretty disgusting. I've not watched her tv show but I have seen her sisters and since Ashlee is the ugly one Im pretty much certain her show involves her farting a lot. Those big man-trousers she keeps wearing that make her look like a fugbot are probobly to keep all the poop in like a giant diaper. Her massive nose also gives the early warning signal for when its time to loosen the cords.

But even by her poop-holdall standards not washing for a week is pretty fucking disgusting. Ashlee claims that her "character didn't care about her appearance". Hey Ashley, if you'd taken the time to sit with someone who "dosen't care about their apperance" then you may see that they still actually care about, oh say... basic hygiene. Unless, of course, your character is a talentless, manlike fuggo with a giant spade nose and awful body oudor who stews in her own crap and gets beaten up whilst busking.

In other news; in its first day The Delis online home has recorded 707 views [excluding my own!] with some very interesting visitors and already big names in the media industry logging on. 73% of the users to date are North American; where the site is equally popular with the west and east coasts. 22% of users used Firefox to view the site.

And that my friends, is all i can tell you under the sites privacy policy [which stipulates im allowed to dispense general stats] without breaching goodwill [by revealing individual details]
Surprise surprise the most popular story is Jessica Simpsons Parking Lot Boobs.
The site is being syndicated rapidly; already appearing on 3 different RSS feeders. Which is good news. And whats even wierder is that KJ is nowhere near the top referrer.

Am I crazy or is this stuff really funny??
No offense Michael

Christina Aguilera is awesome!
See this item with pretty pictures at the Deli

Its too bad that for Christina Aguilera to be awesome she has to directly compliment Britney Spears. Even though Britney looks like she needs to be dipped in some industrial strength detergent these days; Christina is still a dirty, dirty bitch. Far dirtier than Grease-On-Me Britney could ever aspire to be.



I think that for saying this Christina Aguilera is pretty awesome. I mean aside from her smelling like rabies - she finally gets some tabloid attention and shes all like "Yo, ill scratch yo eyes out bitch" kind of likeshe did to a fan for something as simple as asking for a night of tantric sex before goring her eyes out with a spork.

In all seriousness; the fact that the world media actually believed anything a rubbishly designed music website had to say is a testament to how much truth there is in the widely spread rumour that "BRITNEY SPEARS IS HAVING ALIEN TRIPLETS FROM THE PLANET XENU!!!!KEVIN NOT FATHER?!!?!?!"

I can imagine Britney and Christina having a phone conversation because they are best buddies.



But whatever; Christina Aguilera has bridged the gulf of awesomeness between her and Britney Spears even if for a short amount of time. Still that gulf will be widened again if Britney decides to do something crazy like pass wind, or go shopping.

Oooh, they made up!

hehe.

Deli site is rocking Michael.

Thanks Kris Its good fun to do and is doing well already so its all good.

p.s - 4k views ...W00T!

The VMAS still craptacular!
The Deli Link
*sigh*
Theres a time of every year where everyone looks for the names "Britney Spears", "Madonna" and "Beyonce" for reasons other than building a substantial stash of fake celebrity porn spontaneously. That time is the Video Music Awards.

Two years ago at the VMAS we saw Madonna, Britney and Christina getting some hot lesbian action on stage in a clear bid for publicity. It worked, the show was exciting and my pants were wet. The year before we watched Britney writhe around half naked with very big boobies and a snake. My pants were wet. The year before Britney stripped off her suit into something...a little more comfortable. My pants were wet. This year Greenday screamed a lot and Jamie Foxx showed some nipple. My pants remained shockingly dry. I'll let you in on a secret....The VMAS suck without Britney Spears.

The woman has videos which are hot, she puts on a hot show and general makes MTV on the whole more bearable. They of course, are above awarding Britney Spears with anything so basically I guess shes given up even showing face. Watch the ratings slide further as they attempt to emulate the awesomeness of Britney Spears sweaty mammories with a wet performance in a really wet city from the undeniably damp Coldplay.


This guy obviously was so shocked when he learned that there would be no Britney Boobs that he fell to the ground violently shaking.

Coldplay are so teenagers-in-need-of-social-validation-music that they make me feel slightly murderous. Not quite as much as The Killers who apparently haven't ever heard of you know, singing or performing songs remotely in tune but hey! They are REAL MUSIC! Its totally okay if they are fucking awful because they are talented! Wait....Isn't it funny how much the VMAS totally don't reflect the quality of music videos or songs...at all? I mean they really just go to whoever is "hot right now". You always know that your awards show is the worst when people use a hurricane on the other side of the gulf as an excuse to avoid attending. Or when Eva Longoria appears to be hiding Osama Bin Laden in her hair.


Whilst Eva Longoria was harbouring fugitives and Coldplay were pretending to be liked; 50 Cent was holding his microsocopic manhood more times than Ciara does and Kirsten Dunst was looking twig-like, out of place and generally fugly.


But my favourite appearance of the night was not "Am i a pop princess or goth rocker" Kelly Clarkson, nor was it "My dressing room is THE BIGGEST!" Mariah Carey; but it was "AGH IM A TERRIFYING CAN OF HORSE BEANS" Hilary Duff who appeared to have been mixed with carrot paste juding by her complexion. Note how her torso is incredibly can-like whilst her tiny legs looks like little peices of string. At least fellow thinbody and general bitch Lindsay Lohan had legs to compensate for her lack of boobs.


But Jessica Simpson was pretty damn awesome in undoing all the hotness she gained from Dukes of Hazzard and is now generally irritating. Imagine my shock when her immensely grotesque younger sister was actually hotter than her at the show. Infact the only thing i regret switching off for was missing Shakira doing La Tortura. I certainly did not regret missing Jessica Alba appearing as a skeletal actress about to lose her career unless she shows some nipple soon


The only real kudos go to Ciara and Beyonce for you know, looking hot


Nelly Furtado for not talking


Omarion for giving me a stitch


Colin Farrell for embarassing his mother and sister with his existence


Eddie Murphy for apparently banging Mariah Carey


And Fergie of the BEP showing us she does have a sense of humour - by dressing as the colours of her urine.


Greenday are not only the epitome of mediocrity. But they actually are incredibly fugly but for some reason people seem to find them awesomely sexy. Which is wrong because they are giant fuggos.

"Fug, Fugger and Fuggest"

So now the crapness is over for another year; I wonder how they came to the desicions that made the show so god awful and crap.

Eddie Murphy is a sick sausage lover!
Eww.


This one time I was romantically linked to Mariah Careys best friend. I really did love that sausage *sniffles* but damn it tasted good.

I suspect that Mariah Carey however tastes somewhat like diamonds, fabric and gonorrhea. Therefore I think its safe to confirm that Eddie Murphy is most probobly a pervert who likes things like tennis stars as dominatrixes sex or uses vaginal cream as toothpaste. I shudder to think how Carey and Murphy do it; but I guess it involves a lot of paste and a fork.

Perhaps to get her into bed Murphy had to put a red carpet into his bedroom, sparkle his abs with gold and put his penis in the freezer so not to make Sausage Lady go off before signing some sort of binding contract that says he never saw the cellulite on her ass. I imagine then Carey squeezed clumsily out of her wrapper to "Shake it Off" rather than the more universally known "We Belong Together" because you know Mariah, girls gotta push her new single.

your site is amazing.

Hahaha.

Great stuff, Michael.

Thanks But its not really fair of me to make fun of people like Hilary Duff; a celebrity who, if she ever did see that, would probobly take it extremely seriously as a personal attack and with her clear lack of recent comfortability in her image and looks would be destroyed.
I should make fun of old celebrities who dont care. Like tom hanks.

I guess the point is im poking fun at celebrities and the media; but obviously none of its to be taken even remotely seriously Unless its towards Aaron Carter. Who needs a bitchslap. I actually really don't care much about celebrities which makes it all the more entertaining to make fun of them. Did i say make fun of them? I meant made fun of the media in high brow satire disguised as low brow viciousness to make me feel better about myself.

Catherine Zeta Jones is a sexy bitch! <<Click for the Deli's infinately better looking take

Please note: the title of this article serves 0 purpose apart from to let you all know my feelings of Catherine Zeta Jones



Poor Catherine Zeta Jones, probobly reasonably tipsy and enjoying being surrounded by a league of minor British celebrities she must have been gutted that her grandfather came to tuck her into bed at 2am. She was likely ready to do a sexy striptease to prove to the world that Robbie Williams is probobly not batting for the team of incredibly sexy women. She was most probobly going to tease the crowd by pouring champagne all over her semi naked body [in slow motion to prolong the ecstacy] whilst dancing like a hooker; and whoever in the audience stood up without an erection was either female or Robbie Williams. I bet Michael Douglas has totally awesome pajamas. With Sharon Stone's head on the crotch. The image of a lesser celebrity on her husbands dusty corpse must give Zeta some incentive for undercover lovin.

In other news Charlotte Church is apparently a giant prostitute who loves making various other minor British celebrities extremely uncomfortable by having sex with her incredibly vain boyfriend in the middle of the room. Its wierd because last weekend i had sex with Charlotte Church in the middle of the room infront of everyone who also seemed pretty uncomfortable. Of course im assuming that for you Charlotte Church means An Old Trainer. Because having sex with Old Trainers is hot.

Hilary Duff is a night-mare!
MSNBC reports that Lindsay Lohan was shaken and shocked when bestest best friend Hilary Duff's big sister hung up the phone when she phoned the stables to speak to the blonde mained can of horse beans



Im totally shocked that Hilary Duff can even hold a phone with those stubby horse bean arms. But im even more shocked to find out that her and her sister; who is by the way incredibly ugly beyond human comprehension [so ugly that they put images of Rosie O Donnel's face over hers when shes broadcasting on national television and carry warnings that "This programme may contain scenes of strong horror"] are actually more satanic that originally thought.

Has anyone seen Hilary Duffs new music video? Its pretty awesome. She gets up, looks in the mirror, shakes her hair up a little, adds some slap and tickle on and heads out to an awesome celebrity club with a berret on....

Then her head starts rotating and she neighs with a kind of satanic quality and soon shes stripping off, masturbating with a microphone, screaming "FUCK MY MUSIC, FUCK MY MUSIC" and then a Lindsay Lohan a like appears on screen and she gets her ass OWNED by Hilary.

I can't wait for Lindsay Lohans new single; rumour has it that shes calling it "Hilary Duff, I may be a crack whore but at least I don't look like a HORSE! HAH!" but thats just rumour; Lohan claims she has "no bad feelings" towards duff; hence the name of her new album "Up the Duff"

KILL CELEBRITIES!!!

The new site is fabulous!

K-Gay approval!!!

I loVe Hillary Duff.

KGay DENIED!

If you love Hilary Duff then thats some pretty sad stuff right there.

I put her face on my pillow so I could fall asleep, and kiss her in the morning, then I got one of those "adult play dolls" then I paste her face on the doll then---err----I played house.

Hmm, you do not speak for KGAY!

DENIED!