hehe (mostly for mr x)
click only if you want to click
http://www.thesuperficial.com/image.php ... _nude2.jpg

Okay okay, 22 times is enough.

Memo to self: Never post a naked male celebrity ever again. Rainbowmen hijack thread.
Paradise + Tara Reid = Terror Island!

Have you ever felt that your life would be fufilled by watching an insanely dumb blonde celebrity with wierd boobs get wasted....in various different countries?

If so then high quality entertainment network E! have just the thing for you. What was once known as "Wild on! Tara Reid" is now known as....."Taradise" Apparently - E! were afraid that "Wild On!" might make Tara Reid sound like a slutty party girl; and therfore a name that sounds scarily similar to Every Porn Film You Wished You Never Watched, will bring that classy gloss of elegance to the show.

Im guessing it is the best entertainment since that hillarious show The Shield hit FX. I mean; watching a bald man being racist and caring for hookers whilst dabling with drug dealing is pretty funny; but is it as funny as seing Tara Reid shamelessy falling all over the place, and not even giving a shit that her box is acting as a vaccumm to the environment around her; sucking innocent bystanders in like the canyon of doom it is? I don't think so.

Anyway i watched some of the clips from the show and as suspected it invovles Tara Reid wondering aimlessly around this strange and magical place called "EUR-OAP" . She asks people of superior intellect questions about local events, randomly exclaiming "IM SO EXCITED" before looking pretty confused at whatever anyone says to her. Watch her as she struggles with her wild girl reputation which equates to about 100 drunken British Manchester United Loving sailors in sheer notiriety.

Listen to Tara herself speaking about her spirtual journey to the Alcoholic Mecca of the world...LondonShe sounds pretty much like a butch lesbian these days with all that oral sex messing with her tonsils. Paris Hilton told Tara she wouldn't be on the show. I mean we all know that Paris is a high class woman with a reputation as a sophistocated millionairess to protect; and going on a show like Wild On and dancing like a porn star might be bad for buisness; some of us have sex tapes to sell you know Tara, silly goose!

Rather than actually watching the show heres a series of images of Tara Reid being a drunken skankbot

"Me Drunk in...uhm france i think? Slept with him!"

"Me Drunk in...Italy i think? Slept with her!"

"Me Drunk in...Switzaustraliana? Slept with everyone in the room LOL!"

"Me Drunk in...when was i drunk here? Hmm....Slept with myself that night. Wine bottles rock!"

"Me Drunk in...a pool somewhere in EUR-OAP, HEHEHE TOTALLY WAS SLEEPING WITH HIM IN THIS PICTURE!"

Dirty Love & Seperate Lies have seedy posters!

Struggling to decide which poster i had more issues with; but having similarly annoyed feelings towards both of them - i decided to do a double header of sorts...in making fun of posters. Time to get BORING again. Well i have to be semi serious SOMETIMES,

Lets get the boring one out of the way first.
Seperate Lies

Whats wrong with this poster? Hmm. Two very classy images brought together in unison without much conflict. Sophistocated and reasonably classy with a kind of metropolitan tint to it. But then they added text.

Now before i move on to the text; what is it that makes this poster genuinely feel like its going to retire from old age? Well certainly not Tom Wilkinson looking suitably smug in a pinstripe suit. I think hes probobly better just getting naked and holding up a "I am a powerful buisnessman who will no doubt engage in seedy dealings in this movie" sign. Maybe with a sideslide saying "Im also very old, in Hollywood we call old mature and anyone whos anyone will go see a mature movie because it makes them seem smarter - and association with such pictures also makes them feel self-righteous." But i dont know; posters these days are pretty small - maybe the smug look and the suit is better. Also note how Tom Wilkinsons pose is almost identical to that of Nicole Kidman in other-grown-up-thriller The Interpreter?

No one likes people in suits. This guy means buisness. But hold on; theres some chick [presumably Emily Watson] kissing some young person in a more suave, less bank managerial suit [presumably rupert everett] in the picture above. Im confused!? Isnt there supposed to be a teenage girl looking afraid of Tom Wilkinson on this poster somewhere? Or perhaps Emma Thompson looking suprisingly modest? No? Oh well i guess the major pivots of the films entire plot will have to be enough. Even more intruigingly, those two young tykes are clearly in a very high class eaterie; and furthermore the architecture suggests that this is all taking place in London's upper class [as does the rainy window - which is no subtle salute to Britains horrid weather]. So we can tell that basically this movie is likely to be about a love triangle embeded with lies set in upper class London that is probobly quite boring and in which Tom Wilkinson our lead; adding a layer of suspense to the dramatic goings on. How right was I? But strangely, the poster paints him as a kind of Villan - probobly unintentionally too.

Then we have the text. Oh those copywriters know how to advertise dont they. As if a man who looks to be contemplating suicide, or is on Verizon's technical support network [either one] on the poster isnt enough, with rain - which is very mature dont you know [because Americans aren't so enamoured to rain in their movies unless its exposing some serious Abs and Boobs] they have to actually use a really bad quote from some critic that people fall asleep to reading to say "BRILLIANT, MATURE, HEARTBREAKING, an astonishingly successful directorial debut from Blah Blah Blah" Infact; i challenge you to actually be able to read the name of the critic OR his publication. Here it is in a larger size too.

Then they make the giant faux pas that makes me shudder every time.
"Academy Award Nominee". Listen up, most of Hollywood gets an Academy Award nomination at some point of their career - hell even Sean William Scott and Ashton Kutcher are probobly going to get one sometime soon. So STOP CONGESTING YOUR POSTERS WITH SUCH A POINTLESS ACCOLADE IN THE [JUSTIFIED] HOPE THAT IT WILL ATTRACT OLD PEOPLE INTO CHECKING OUT YOUR DAMN MOVIE.

Hell the most hillarious thing about a poster blanketed by "mature" accolades and "mature" award nominations is that; because He didnt ever get an oscar nod; they used "Golden Globe Nominee" for Rupert Everett instead.
Picking at straws? You decide. The poster not only gives away the gist of the storyline - but it also is pretty artistically sound - if it wasn't for that fucking text then it could have been a pretty successful one; but in the end comes off as pretentious and seedy. Funnily enough - i still want to see it. Because im a snob.




Next please
Dirty Love

If your getting itchy just by looking at this image then know that your not alone. I caught Chlamydia from it.

Oh my. Where to begin. First of all - remember we talked about the movie buisness and its affinity to put red text on white backgrounds - even though its considered to be bad luck in many other countries across the world? Well its Along Came Dirty Love once again. Firmly anchoring the film in generic broad comedy with the font alone - the poster then goes on to insult by placing the name "Jenny Mcarthy" above the title. Worse yet - McCarthy actually penned the script.

But its not Dirty Love's association with Jenny McCarthy [and its dumping to a September release date] that makes me cringe - but rather its the identity crisis this poster has. Ok; its directly adressing women here. "Got Dumped?" it cries- tying itself firmly to the sterotype of the brokenhearted girl in a recently departed realtionship. The runny mascara and its link to being dumped is designed to be endearing to all the women in the world who have been dumped before. But if only the mascara wasn't airbrushed so that it actually looked real and Jenny McCarthys giant rack wasn't the center of focus here -almost certainly challenging the women who are viewing it's self esteem. Jenny McCarthy - "friend who has been dumped but has giant boobs so we dont really like her." Her clevage is un-necessary and will turn away many women - but invite many men. However those men who take a peek will soon be dismayed to find the title is "dirty love" - a chick flick for sure. By mixing sex appeal with comedy the poster drives away its two major potential audiences. If only she had put on a sweater or changed the name of her movie to something more appealing to guys like "Jennys Bangbus Wild On!"

I guess they thought it'd be funny and ironic if they spoofed the "Got Milk?" campaign and replaced the milk moustache with Mascara tears - and granted that was a reasonably solid marketing desicion. But why do all broad comedies these days simply feature nothing more than a picture of the stars on a white background? So it can't single out any audience by location? Because they like that scent of 0 personality it gives the movies?

Dont believe me ? Check out the comedies from 2005 that employ exactly the same tactic
http://www.impawards.com/2005/are_we_there_yet.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/be_cool_ver3.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/diary_of_ ... _ver3.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/guess_who.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/hitch.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/honeymooners.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/in_her_shoes.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/kings_ransom.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/man_of_the_house.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/miss_cong ... _ver2.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/monster_in_law_ver3.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/mr_and_mr ... _ver3.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/pacifier_ver2.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/perfect_man_ver2.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/rebound.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/rumor_has_it.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/shopgirl.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/weather_man.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/wedding_c ... _ver1.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/wedding_date_ver2.html
http://www.impawards.com/2005/yours_mine_and_ours.html

But on another note - in the super airbrushed airbrushing of it all - It seems that Jenny McCarthy's breasts have dropped from 23 year olds to 65 year olds. Shes also recently aqquired man shoulders which she looks to be slightly frustrated with after the initial body-rejection. Two posters that take decent source material and basically slum it up

Jenny McCarthy? In a movie? She can't make a TV show, let alone a movie.

Courtney Love a Pregnant whale with Coogan lovechild!

Whilst Courtney Love has been happily declaring to the world that shes over drugs the past few months it probobly wasnt a great idea to admit that shes pregnant with Steve Coogans kid after a weekend filled with wierd sex and constant drugs.



Ignore the last line, the newspaper obviously made it up. Courtney Love went on to tell the paper that Coogan was "wild" in bed and insisted on buying viagra to go "again and again" and "wouldnt stop" she also claimed her antics were pale in comparison to his and that he has a "serious substance addiction".

Later that night she "told a source of this column" that "Steve liked it up the butt with a my giant spermwhale flipper".

That aside I could have told you that Steve Coogan was wierd and on drugs. I mean anyone who impregnates a whale has to be smoking some kind of crazy shit; sleeping with Courtney Love is almost like signing up for a giant list of STDs come clinic time. I really dont want to see what Courtney Love and Steve Coogan's lovechild looks like.

Im suspecting it will look something like this,



Meet Shamu Love!

I really cant say im surprised that Courtney Love is a dirty whore who APPARENTLY lied to the world about being clean from drugs. But im a little pissed that she didnt ask me to have sex with her instead so i could spit in her face and laugh.

Also - now we know that Courtney Love is still ON drugs - it must mean shes been eating like a horse - because theres no other excuse for looking that whale-esque.

That picture is incredibly disturbing.

HELLO
Did someone just somehow MISS the MAJOR NEWS?

COURTNEY LOVE IS PREGNANT EVERYONE.
START PLANNING NOW FOR THE END IS NIGH. HER GIANT WHALE TUMMY WILL EXPAND TO A SIZE THAT WILL SURELY TILT THE EARTH OFF ITS AXIS, SENDING IT HURTLING TOWARDS THE SUN.

THOSE PEOPLE WITH TOURIST PASSES TO MARS FOR $1M DONT SEEM SO STUPID NOW, DO THEY?

Arnold Schwarzenegger in crazy fingerbang cult!
Since this is definately definately definately Not Safe For Work [NSFW]; im so linking you guys.

Now im pretty exhausted right now - but i still seem to have found the energy to post this picture and just say......Arnold Schwarzenegger is a digusting human being who is now totally my hero.

Here was me thinking I was kind of sexually rebellious for masturbating over mature XXX material where really saggy women dropped a turtle in each others mouths before yelling "Mmm it tastes like corn"; however my confidence in my disgustingly perverted tendancies is daunted after seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger fingerbanging some random chick in public. I feel i must do something really crazy like pee on someone in the street just to gain leverage.

That girl was probobly just sitting innocently on Arnolds lap, totally oblivious to the actor's tendancy to grope whichever female is in close proximity. Deciding to "go all out" for the picture she lifts her leg playfully; and next thing she knows arnolds trying to retrieve his Key of Decency from inside her vagina.

Whats even more disturbing/hillarious about this image is that everyone is smiling playfully like its just a normal picture. Its like you could almost play spot the difference between an image of the same people doing the same thing; except without Arnolds giant European digit in some chicks pussy. Further analysis sees that the people around Arnold look like they are either gay bikers, Nazis, or transvestites.

Arnold; next time you run for head of a major state you might want to make sure that you don'thave any images of you in a Pre-Scientology sex cult; fingering some slutty girl with a facial expression that says "This is our way of shaking hands!". Also - less of the groping-other-women-whilst married. I mean; theres a thing called trying too hard to be American.

This thread gets its own website

This thread now has its own website. A few weeks after it started i realised i enjoyed it; and i was having trouble coming up with something original and fun to do as a web project. This thread was the first thing i saw potential for; I realised that the forum limitations would cause problems if i continued to do it - and it seemed to be popular and entertaining with the users here. So its moved to a richer overall experience but a similar; simple format which ive called "The Deli". I hope you can all check it out. I will continue to update this thread for as long as i can with the same stories that appear there. You can now leave comments without me going nuts for your hijacking.

Click here to go see it

The Deli = The Superficial? Awfully similar styles.

Except not only do they look nothing alike; but they are part of a large community of different celebrity networks.
I knew the analogy would pop up; largely because the only real site of its kind that is known widely is The Superficial when infact there are many websites that do the same with similar tounge-in-cheek styles. Infact because of The Superficial i hesitated for quite a while over the Pink title text.

I may actually still change it because its the only strong similarity i can see - but its very effective because its eyecatching and stands out from the rest of the text without distracting the eye.
But some staff members of the Superficial have already taken a gander and give it a thumbs up amoungst other sites staff. So i dont think they are similar or it would have been called before opening. Fact is nearly all the celebrity sites used blog based systems or CMS' and that means the structure is fundamentally similar. Im aware of the superficial and its been called "superior" in several articles in this column when cited as a source largely because it is. But everything from the structure up is different; but the site is actually based on a default style from Nucleus; one of the widest used blog powerengines out there - i just modified it heavily to reflect the tone of the site more.

The Deli = Ouroboros

In fact, that might have been a more clever name.

your confusing me with your complex words,

"The Ouroboros is a greek word, and means "tail swallower." The ouroboros is usually depicted in the form of a snake swallowing its tail, and is usually circular, although it is sometimes depicted in a lemniscate shape. The ouroboros originated in Egypt as a symbol of the sun, and represented the travels of the sun disk. In Gnosticism, it was related to the solar God Abraxas, and signified eternity and the soul of the world. "

OR http://www.oroborus.org/

Very confused. As always.

I like the name "The Deli" - its easy to remember and gets the point across and is regularly associated with exactly the kind of people the column makes fun of. But more importantly; it has deep rooted associations with indulgence; something i wanted to subconciously tie to a "guilty pleasure" perse. Or a guilty torture if its not your bag

Plus salad looks really good in photos so i get to use it more now

What I mean to say is...

And don't take offense to this... because it's the only thing I can think up...

Michael, you are like an abortion doctor, who is against abortion, but performs them so you have a reason to react against them.



Or Tara Reid.

Your choice!

I get it. Im kind of a hypocrit? Because i insult the media for obsessing over celebrities; but join in on it anyway? However you miss the point of the column in that case. Its main purpose being to rotate images of salad and female bodies in the header.
P.S OMG THANK U SO MUCH tara reid is MY IDOL i LUV U 4EVA

Michael, you don't even need a coming out thread. Just refer everyone to this one. Or tell them to check my signature, where my enemy's closet is indentified, that mortal enemy being you, of course

Oh my god im so touched that you loved my thread enough to link to it in your signature.

Really; i think i want to hug you.
And by hug i of course mean bump and grind with you

My enemy's den. If that touches you, what doesn't? You're so...touchy

I wish you would touch me all over.

Your bloody signature is like a dagger through my sexy heart! I do not hunch for no reason, you know. It is hard to hide the bulge.


I would not post this in any other thread, but in this thread, low-brow has no meaning


Buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

Oh box its nice to see your human once in a while; denying your tiny penis and your envy of my gigantic man-log.

I think you're mistaking yourself for Snrub

You could cut the sexual tension with a knife.

I was wondering why you were at the store bying D batteries.

Makes perfect sense.