If so, I needed help on something. A friend of mine, who went by the name of Raoul Duke, made a really funny review of The Passion awhile back. Like many others though, he got banned (unfairly too, in my opinion). Now before anyone says anything else, NO, me and him are not the same person, despite the rumors many said. Anyway, if anyone has an active account, could they search under the username "Raoul Duke" for the thread? Just use a keyword like "Passion" and you should probably find it. Here's an advance thanks to anyone who can help me out!

You can thank me later:

To be honest, I'm not a man who travels to the movie theater often. At most, my visits occur monthy. When I do go, it's mostly only for quality films of the finest design. I was leaving a showing of the terrific Dawn of the Dead, sighing and remembering the zombie baby's face being blown inside out, when I met up with a good friend of mine going the opposite mode of traffic.
"My god man, how the hell are you?" He said in his usual voice, sounding much like he'd been drinking broken glass.
"Same as usual." I replied. Though he was easily the bigger mouth of us two, I did manage to tell him about my fine expierience of Dawn of the Dead.
However he had no plans to see any film nearly as heart warming or inspiring. The poor bastard had married a hyena of a women, and an unfortunately religious one at that, who insisted that they saw The Passion of the Christ. "But why?" I asked. "It's not like it's your Christian duty to see that tripe. Why not go the a public access channel where you can watch the same thing, only more unintentionally funny?"
"That's what I said, but the wife thinks that we need to see this film."
"Good god man, I've got half a mind to tell her myself about how touching and fantastic a film Dawn of the Dead is. A fine example of perseverance of the human spirit. And it has people being chainsawed in half!"
"No man, it's not worth it." He replied, sighing. "But I'll tell you what. I brought liquor, and I'll share my cache with you if you stay and watch."
Though I wanted to decline more then anything in the world, I thought, "What would Horatio Alger do?" so I accepted, and felt the popcorn and Cherry Coke nearly bubble out of my mouth.
We sat down a few minutes early, and were forced to watch the most cruel barrage of ads that any 50 interns locked in their own cubicles could possibly think of: The Twenty. I nearly threw a bottle of bourbon at the screen when a greasy pig of a child started talking in the latest urban lingo about how fantastic a human being he was. Poor bastard. I thought. Probably a test tube child genetically made to reach the age just past puberty in a 60th of the time. Right now he's probably rotting alive in the Mongolian Desert, where he was deported.
Finally the lights dimmed, and I prepared for what is without question the best part of a film expierience: the trailers. But wait, what the hell was going on? Mel Gibson, the Neo Nazi he was, had taken away the movie commercials I'd put at least 3/4ths of my money in for away, leaving me blind and ill prepared for the grueling film expierience I was about to encounter.
At first, the film looked like nothing more then your average $1000 dollar movie playing at 5 in the morning on a Tuesday. Being raised agnostic as I was, I had no previous knowledge of the entire debacle, and clearly the celluloid going at a snail's pace on screen didn't have half the mind to explain to me what was going on. I tried to get into the movie, so I cheered when a maggot popped out of an anorexic women's nose, but the other filmgoers, most 50 year old women with bodies proportional to apples, didn't take it to well. However I shrugged it off. If I had to endure this torture, I was full well allowed to say my pieces or three.
I started to become drowsy from a mix of the film and the marijuana I had earlier had, when all of a sudden I saw an Uruk Hai appear on screen. I bolted up from my seat, and cheered, thinking the projectionist had slipped and cracked his head open, and in the process knocked Return of the King's film into our room. However, no elves came up to chop it into pieces, and it instead turned into dust. I asked my friend what the hell had just happened, and he didn't have the foggiest either. I sat back down and muttered to myself. I checked my watch and the damn film was only 40 or so minutes in, yet it easily felt like 350. Though mongoloid demon children helped the situation ten fold, they too dissapeared as quickly as they had come.
Now I'm not Jewish, nor do I know more then a small handful of Jewish people. Yet I couldn't help but wonder if any of them would have been offended by what was happening on screen. I'd heard the entire controversy and frankly hadn't paid much thought to it. But these Jewish high priests killing the worshipped organism of 9/10 Americans was something which might not gel over well. Imagine if a roving band of inbred cannibals from West Virginia laid there eyes on this! Why, they'd surely go on a kill crazy rampage, wearing people's heads as hats and driving through three states before taken down by a SWAT helicopter. Indeed, the film could very well be dangerous material.
On and on the film went. Though I enjoyed seeing the pastiest Arab ever get beaten ten ways to Sunday, I couldn't help but feel bored. I was simply sitting in a box full of bug eyed people proving just how fat Americans in this day and age were. If I looked forward I was watching a demon midget taunt the guy from Frequency. If I turned back I was looking at hideous people with monsterous waistlines. Though I was told we were nearing the end, it was taking longer and longer to appear. Finally when the man had some sort of uber whip used on him which ripped half of his skin clean off, I jumped and yelled "GET IT OVER WITH!".
At lightning pace a pimply usher came down from the rafters and scolded me, warning that if I continued to be an annoyance that I would be escorted from the theater. When I tried to offer him alcohol, the situation was not helped.
I told him that I would leave the theater after I'd gone to the restroom, but I wasn't about to give up on my friend sitting in there while his gastropod of a wife scolded him for having such aquaintances. So I quickly rushed out and turned a corner. The usher followed, but I laid against the wall and he went past me. I hurried back into the theater, and sat back down.
At this time the poor bastard on screen was carrying a big piece of wood. Every two minutes he'd fall in a poor quality slow motion style as if this was a John Woo film (An American one, not Hong Kong of course). By the tenth time, I was seriously considering giving myself up to the usher, when he was finally tied to the cross. Though it was neat watching his hands get nailed in, I was getting bored. By the time a computer generated rain drop hit the screen, I'd knew I had enough, and started to walk out of the theater. As the anorexic demon lady turned into the monster from Spawn, I made my escape.
There's no human reason I can find for why the movie has been making as much money as it has. Perhaps I've underestimated Americans as a whole, but the film was awful, boring, made no sense, and was unintentionally funny. Though I'd give Dawn of the Dead 9.5/10 as a rating, this would be lucky to garner 1.5/10. An awful piece of work, which I recommend avoiding at all costs.

Ah, well. Fine. You can thank me now.

Well that's all fine and everything, but like it or not, Mel Gibson did do a very good job on The Passion of the Christ, whether you agree with his take on it and the overgratuitous violence or not.. Hell, the movie made, what?? about 380 Million dollars domestically??? There's something to be said for a movie that can gross that much and it's not on Bad WOM alone..

I did not like the Passions.

Who are you talking to? Nobody yet in this thread said that they didn't like the movie or what Mel Gibson did.

Why the need to bring up this old BOM review?

did you read the first post in the thread?

Yes i did.

I just thought it was a really funny review and wanted to show it to some people.

Oh, and a big thanks to Dkmuto! You're the man!

no, my account is no longer active

that is a funny story...I had read it before

I was at BOM the other night, and it was so dead. I was the only one online, and it was so pitiful. I wouldn't be surprised if Sean closed the site down in a few months.

The welfare of BOM as a site does not depend on the forums. The forums could be gotten rid of without the site being shut down.