Holy shit! This is a bad film for the ages. It is well known Dario Argento is a director at least 25 years past his prime, but it is hard to believe he crafted a film this inept, without a doubt the worst cinematic interpretation of Count Dracula I have ever endured. The flaws are too too numerous to list in full, but I will try to name a few. The digital photography is bright and flat, giving every frame a plastic quality, and it is "complemented" by point-and-shoot shot compositions devoid of ingenuity. Every computer-generated image, of which there are many, is of the lowest conceivable quality, as if the budget ran dry when they were only 30 percent completed. To say the film never even flirts with a moment of genuine fright or surprise is too obvious, but it should be noted it lasts an indulgent 110 minutes, becoming an inglorious chore to see through to the end.

The storytelling, lifting details and ideas from the original novel and many prior film adaptations without care, is lax and unfocused. The performances delivered by the ensemble cast, including a clearly disinterested Rutger Hauer as Abraham Van Helsing and the director's daughter Asia (who, of course, has a scene of gratuitous nudity) as the victim Lucy, range from sleepily mediocre to downright dreadful. Were I forced to praise the film (no doubt with a pistol to my head), I might mention an absurd and hilarious 15-second sequence in which, for no discernible reason, the Count transforms into a gigantic praying mantis to commit a murder or an original score with a few tantalizing flashes of old-fashioned atmosphere and charm, including ominous vocal chants. Otherwise, this is pure garbage. In fact, it is almost tempting to believe it is a type of performance-art hoax: how awful, how toxic and unprofessional, can a film be and still find an audience based on the name of its director? Remove the name of Dario Argento, and the loyal cult fan base he brings along with him due to enduring favorites such as Suspiria and Opera, from the equation, and the fact this opens with a title card touting its debut at the Festival de Cannes, not to mention the fact it was indeed acquired for distribution by the largely reputable IFC Films, would be unfathomable.

F

Oh, I do dig the idea of Dracula having a Faustian financial pact with the town elders, but this film is way too lazy to explore the concept to any meaningful extent. It mainly seems to exist so the cheesy massacre sequence can happen around halfway through, landing with an absolute thud.

I watched the trailer for this just now. I can see that it would be terrible, but it at least looks refreshing; a vampire movie with the [as they put it] 'designer vamps' of the last decade, and the gore and beheadings and such were pretty fun to watch.

I'd only watch the movie to see a bit of naked Argento.

Did anyone else ever see this mega-turd?

Soon.