Jesus H. Christ. I know this sounds over-the-top, but Branded is without a doubt one of the worst films I have experienced in a movie theatre. This is a film focused on the sinister side of advertising, so the fact the film's own ad campaign is misleading is rather amusing. This is not a suspense film, and the dramatic monster-movie images featured in the trailers and on the poster are not glimpsed until the film's second half and are nowhere near as frightening or intriguing as one might expect or hope for. Nor does it star Max von Sydow (The Seventh Seal, Hannah and Her Sisters), whose few scenes feel shoehorned in long after the fact. His role is best described as a minor afterthought, and it is a reminder this icon of cinema often acts in films far beneath him, though even Rush Hour 3 is a masterpiece compared to this.

No, Branded is a labored, featherbrained, and torturous "satire" and sermon. "Gather around, children," this toxic disaster of a film intones, "and let us, the geniuses and prophets, teach you the perils of modern advertising." Not a single moment rings true or hits the right note. When it aims for actual humor, it fails to earn even a halfhearted smile. When it tries to be serious, to be political or, God help us, spiritual, it is hilarious. By the end, though, it is first and foremost nauseating and also numbing. Most of Branded's crushing length is devoted to long "philosophical" (read: New Age B.S.) conversations regarding the role advertising plays in modern society. There are but a few diversions, including an absurd and disturbing scene of animal violence, and let us not forget the film's curious and overt hatred of the overweight.

To be honest, I am sure there will be a modest, modest cult audience for this film, with its blend of earnest "big ideas" and outlandish, self-conscious visuals, but count me out. I hated every minute of it.

F