Shittiest Films of 2018 - FINAL LIST:
10.
Robin HoodIt's in the vein of recent medieval/sword movies like
Assassin's Creed - in one ear and out the other! Everything is dark and cheap and there is no care given to any scene or sequence. Every scene is flashy and quick, with glib one-liners given all the time and a score that could've been taken from any number of other period action flicks. It's horrible. There is no sense of grandeur to the nemesis or to the hero. And the pre-title screen forewarning: "forget what you know..", is damn fine advice. You won't see a forest for 1 hour and 41 minutes, which is about 3 minutes before the end credits.
Ben Mendelsohn is totally out of place as the Sheriff of Nottingham. He tries, but he doesn't have a fucking clue what to do. And whoever thought it would be cool for everyone to look as if they are wearing modern-day attire, they should never work in the business again. Another big mistake is Taron Edgerton as Robin of Loxley. He's way too smug and has no charm at all. He's no Kevin Costner, but those are big boots to fill. Sadly, he's not even Russell Crowe! He is small in stature and doesn't resemble a hero. Not his voice or his clothes. He has no presence. He was the same age as Costner in
Prince of Thieves, but the two men are on complete opposite ends of what the character should be. Costner was a man. Edgerton is a lad.
9.
Fifty Shades FreedAnother crap-fest to round out the trilogy! Though not as bad the second film, it is still shockingly bad. As with the sequel, nothing changes. Nothing escalates. Sure, they get married and Ana gets pregnant, but nothing between the couple actually changes. He is still a stroppy teenager with serious issues, and she is still an idiot. The film is a bit of a mess, and when it turns into a kidnapping/ransom thriller it gets even more unintentionally hilarious. At least anything is better than hearing Dornan sing again!
8.
SkyscraperThis is junk. Apart from the tension during the crane bridge sequence, which cunningly played on my basophobia, the entire film is just crap. I mean, who in the hell wants to see Dwayne Johnson as a cripple? The funniest part of the film is when the police use Baidu to search for 'Sirin'. It's one of the worst search engines in the world, even worse than Yahoo and Bing, yet it's made out here to be faster and smarter than Google. lolz
7.
SuspiriaThis "film" is a complete bore. First off; if you miss the first 30 minutes, don't worry. Nothing happens. It's a complete write-off. Guadagnino totally failed with this remake. It's so tedious but to keep it appearing as a horror film, in the first half he puts in a few quick succession shots of violent and disturbing imagery. It is meant to work as shock horror to tide the viewer over until something
actually happens, but it just comes off as a con.
And if you're worried that this supposed horror movie will be too scary, again don't worry....you won't be scared in the slightest. But if you're having trouble sleeping, this is the gift that keeps on giving.
Suspiria is pretension masquerading as art. Might be the worst horror film of this millennium. Though Thom Yorke's end credits song, "Suspirium", is beautiful and mesmerizing. Check it out on YouTube and save yourself two-and-a-half hours!
6.
Speed KillsThis film blows. Never truly realised it before but Travolta is one weird-looking dude. Now add a tan and a strange hairline and it's a complete distraction. I love the guy, but jeez. As for the film, it's amateurly-made and not very interesting despite my main man Travolta being in it - oh and Tom Sizemore, lol. There is a night speedboat race which is utterly cringeworthy how it got cleared for people to view.
5.
Pacific Rim UprisingOh my, this movie is a crock of shit. Where to start? It's almost too difficult to review. It's shit, and surely it knows it is shit. It exists entirely in its predecessor's already-mediocre shadow. It's not a boring film, but every element is just terrible. The spectacle. The dialogue. The comedy. The action. It's all rushed and it is impossible to care about anything that happens. The two Pacific Rim films would fit nicely into that famous "hold my drink" meme.
John Boyega has zero potential at being a leading man. He should give up now. A waste of space, and not even a fraction of the charisma and presence Idris Elba had (and even Elba is just average). Same goes for Eastwood. He will never be his father. Charlie Day is hilariously bad as he navigates his scenes having stereotypical stern-faced Chinese people bark orders at him, then he somehow becomes the villain rooting for the Kaiju. It's weird.
4.
BacktraceThis is awful. It's as if a rich person that always wanted to make a movie decided to just do it. He got a director that never directed before, a screenwriter that never wrote a script before, an editor that never edited a movie before, a camera crew that never shot anything before, and actors that never acted before, and he said "do it how you think it's done. I believe in you!". The result is a shoddy and amateur piece of crap called
Backtrace, that just happens to have star leads. Even the title is uninspired. It's so TV-level it's not even funny. And I don't mean
True Detective TV-level, or even TV-movie level. It's like a poor man's
Law & Order type of TV-level. It's just shit. Even basic ideas, such as two people walking down a corridor talking, are ruined by being spliced into multiple shots. In the final fight, torches are repeatedly shone into the camera. One of the many techniques that make
Backtrace such an unpleasant watch.
3.
Solo: A Star Wars StorySolo is a big steaming turd. It's the same old shit. American cowboys and British villainy. Replaying the same old, laborious, decades-old convention. The visuals are shit too. The grey and brown colour tone is really off-putting and ugly. Speaking of ugly, Alden Ehrenreich is ghastly, and looks nothing like Harrison Ford. That face will never grow up to look like the Han Solo we know. He's also a cocky little prick, which is not at all what Han Solo is. He was always over-confident, but he was a charmer at the same time. This Alden douche is just a prick. And his voice is like a little girl. There is just no way he suddenly develops a deep voice like Harrison Ford. He is the worst casting in recent memory.
Then there's the script. Ugh. Just fucking awful. It's that sort of television-level bullshit where two characters that know the plan explain it anyway for our convenience. People don't talk like that! And the film is too preoccupied with a past that hasn't even fucking happened yet. Lines like "when had I ever steered you wrong?", obviously winking at all the previous Star Wars adventures between Han and Chewie but, ummm, one slight snag ... THEY HAVEN'T HAPPENED YET!!! Such a lazy script. Just put a load of gun fights and ship chases, slap a Star Wars logo on it and the movie's a good'un. Well, no, it's actually a shit'un. The film should have ended at the 100 minute mark after the kessel run, but nooooooooo ... there's another whopping 35 minutes of boredom left.
2.
The Humanity BureauIf this is not a spoof (it's
definitely not a spoof), then the filmmakers might be retarded. This is so hilariously bad. I'm talking
In The Blood and The Asylum's
The Terminators-level of bad. Cage has truly sunk to a new low here.
The Humanity Bureau is in the top three worst-made films I have ever seen. Truly awful. It makes other shit Cage films, such as last year's
Arsenal, seem like a masterpiece.
THE WORST MOVIE OF 2018 IS...
1.
Airstrike/The Bombing/Unbreakable SpiritThis film is easily the worst of 2018. Not even close. It's competing for a lower honour ... the worst film ever made. It is utter shit. I don't even know what it's called. Is it
Unbreakable Spirit?
Airstrike?
The Bombing? They couldn't even decide on a fucking title. It just highlights the sort of hacks that are in charge of this production. All the voices are dubbed, but that's not a big deal. It just adds to the rest of the feces. I had no idea they could make films this bad. It's just an incoherent mess. Quality-wise it is similar to one of the MANY Chinese wartime TV series', but it's made into a feature starring Bruce Willis, Liu Ye, Adrien Brody, and Rumer Willis (she has a 10-second scene but is third-billed, lol). The only one giving anything resembling a performance is Mr. Brody. But each of the three times I saw him I just felt pity. He's fallen so far; from
The Pianist to this piece of crap.
This film just shows how far off the Chinese are from competing with film industries from other countries. Forget Hollywood. They're not even half as good as India yet! Same thing as always with the Chinese: lots of money, zero quality.
-----
Dishonorable Mentions:A Star is Born
Aquaman
The Meg
I hate you
