Most modern romantic comedies are not very good. Adjectives such as charmless and unambitious apply to most (see: most films with Jennifer Aniston or Katherine Heigl). Another must be conjured for Waiting for Forever, though. It's downright creepy. Here's the premise, straight up: Will (Tom Sturridge) and Emma (The O.C.'s Rachel Bilson) were childhood sweethearts. He moved away, however, after his parents died in a train crash. He visited now and then, letters were written, etc., but the relationship petered out--except in his mind. Now well into his 20s, Will has spent several years following Emma from place to place, adoring her from afar. He's homeless, wears pajamas and a bowler hat, and earns money on the street juggling. She's become a minor TV star (Bilson is just perfectly cast!). As the film begins, she's returned home because her father (Richard Jenkins) has cancer, her show has been canceled, and her current relationship is failing. Will, of course, is not far behind. (Except she has the money to fly home, whereas he has to train hop and hitchhike.)

This is unnerving, right? Clearly Will is disturbed. He can't have a conversation without one or two asides to his dead parents, whom he seems to believe are always there, ghosts in the corner. He lives a life on the edge, one trucker beating away from oblivion. And he's completely obsessed with a woman who hasn't thought of him in years. This dude needs help, and this is a dangerous situation for all involved, right? The film, directed by actor James Keach, doesn't agree. It is completely enamored of Will. In its eyes, he is an adorable, twee waif who should be applauded not only for his Peter Pan-esque dedication to never leaving childhood behind (he jumps on tables! he believes saying you're sorry is a cure-all!), but also for his intense devotion to Emma.

This, of course, undermines the entire enterprise. If you aren't on this movie's wavelength--best described as an illiterate and illogical (500) Days of Summer on sentimental steroids--you're toast. Because it hits one note and then hits it again and again, hammering the key for 90+ minutes until it has the good graces to end (or they ran out of money). It has all the visual dexterity of your average Lifetime original movie, down even to sepia-toned, Normal Rockwell-evoking childhood flashbacks.

The ensemble, even the always reliable Jenkins, who is wisely cast as the father who is nothing but sarcastic in the face of his terminal illness, are hopeless and squandered. No one can give a real performance in this greeting-card claptrap. A noble attempt is made by Scott Mechlowicz as Will's elder, disapproving brother, but the film too frequently paints him as a quasi-villain--the -asshole- who believes in maturity and reality and other boring shit. The most irritating performance is given by Matthew Davis as the Bilson character's significant other, a maybe murderous brute with a shaved head and a twitchy face. The inclusion of this character feels so damn disingenuous, almost as if the film is saying, "Better root for the hero because, while he's a bit crazy, he's also benevolent! The other dude is crazy and violent and has a shaved head and hasn't seen Benny & Joon!"

As awful as Waiting for Forever is, it's also a bit fascinating. It's every misguided, saccharine faux-indie cliche imaginable--every twee possibility--indulged to a dangerous degree. A film-festival-circuit project clearly made to be called "quirky and winning," but one which went wrong in nearly every way such a film can go wrong. Yikes!

D

That.

But worse.

F

(Though I did enjoy The Jenk. Everything else was just... awful.)