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A Gnostic, Dyslexic Insomniac...
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Author:  Box [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 7:50 pm ]
Post subject:  A Gnostic, Dyslexic Insomniac...
...is someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog...




Anyone got others like this?
Author:  BacktotheFuture [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 8:24 pm ]
Post subject: 
LAME!!
Author:  Box [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 8:33 pm ]
Post subject: 
BacktotheFuture wrote:
LAME!!



*slap*

Why do you think I asked if others had statements like that? ](*,)
Author:  BacktotheFuture [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:06 pm ]
Post subject: 
Ohh so we're making lame statements?

Ok why was six afraid of seven?

Cause seven eight nine.
Author:  Plot [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:18 pm ]
Post subject: 
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin starts screaming to the other"OH MY GOD WE'RE BURNING TO DEATH!!! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!"


TheN the other one starts screaming "OH MY GOD, IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Author:  insomniacdude [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:19 pm ]
Post subject: 
1. Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in the deep South. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who
shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during
a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as
they moved off. Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to
a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends
a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've
seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone
liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up
shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only
Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.... what?
(Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile
mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different
puns on an internet forum, with the hope that at least one of the puns
would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Author:  Algren [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: A Gnostic, Dyslexic Insomniac...
box_2005 wrote:
...is someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog...


Why can he/she not think about during the day? :wink:
Author:  Anonymous [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
Plot wrote:
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin starts screaming to the other"OH MY GOD WE'RE BURNING TO DEATH!!! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!"


TheN the other one starts screaming "OH MY GOD, IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"


That's pretty funny.

Then again, I am what some people call "retarded."
Author:  Algren [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 9:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
10 out of 7 people cant do fractions.
Author:  insomniacdude [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 10:02 pm ]
Post subject: 
Plot wrote:
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin starts screaming to the other"OH MY GOD WE'RE BURNING TO DEATH!!! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!"


TheN the other one starts screaming "OH MY GOD, IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"


Ha, I actually use a variant of this sometimes, except I use pickles in a frying pan. Then the humor is twofold...the actual "omg a talking muffin/pickle" and the second wind humor "wtf are two pickles doing in a frying pan?"

Anyway


Two flies are eating a piece of shit. One farts. The other one screams at the first "Dude, I'm trying to eat here!"
Author:  Snrub [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 10:08 pm ]
Post subject: 
Two fish swim into a concrete wall The one turns to the
other and says "Dam!".

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my
electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first
replies "Yes, I'm positive."

*groans*
Author:  dolcevita [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 10:25 pm ]
Post subject: 
loyalfromlondon wrote:
Plot wrote:
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin starts screaming to the other"OH MY GOD WE'RE BURNING TO DEATH!!! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!"


TheN the other one starts screaming "OH MY GOD, IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"


That's pretty funny.

Then again, I am what some people call "retarded."


My old roommate told me that joke once. We thought it was hilarious and giggled all night, but that's not saying much since it was already 3 am.

So this one night a guy walks into a bar, and he says "ouch."

*slaps hand over mouth in order to try and halt any further humiliation*
Author:  insomniacdude [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 10:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
<knobboy> I hate physics
<knobboy> Having to learn all this crap about wave and frequency is killing me
<knobboy> Some might even say it Mhz
Author:  A. G. [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 10:41 pm ]
Post subject: 
Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a salted.
Author:  MikeQ. [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 10:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
Super lame chemistry jokes!! (Given to us by my awesome chem teacher).

1. Remember if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

2. Why did the white bear dissolve in water? It was polar.

3. A Neutron walked into to a bar and said: "How much for a drink?" And the bartender said: "No charge!"

4. A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

5. Rules of the lab:

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.

6. Chemist's last words:

And now the tasting test...
And now shake it a bit...
In which glass was my mineral water?
Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
And now the detonating gas problem.
This is a completely safe experimental setup.
Now you can take the protection window away...
Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
And now a cigarette...

PEACE, Mike ;)
Author:  Dr. Lecter [ Sat Jan 22, 2005 11:45 pm ]
Post subject: 
MikeQ. wrote:

5. Rules of the lab:

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.



After many years of Chemistry and Physics I can tell that it all is so true...
Author:  darth pimp [ Sun Jan 23, 2005 8:03 am ]
Post subject: 
insomniacdude wrote:
Plot wrote:
Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin starts screaming to the other"OH MY GOD WE'RE BURNING TO DEATH!!! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!!"


TheN the other one starts screaming "OH MY GOD, IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"


Ha, I actually use a variant of this sometimes, except I use pickles in a frying pan. Then the humor is twofold...the actual "omg a talking muffin/pickle" and the second wind humor "wtf are two pickles doing in a frying pan?"

Anyway


Two flies are eating a piece of shit. One farts. The other one screams at the first "Dude, I'm trying to eat here!"


the muffin and the flies jokes both KILLED me.

more, more!!!
Author:  Plot [ Sun Jan 23, 2005 2:56 pm ]
Post subject: 
This joke isn't that funny, but the story behind it is hilarious.
My friends had been telling me jokes similar to these, and I kept guessing the punch lines, even though I hadn't heard some of the jokes before. But I was stumped when they asked me the following joke:

What do you call a insane person who lives in a nursing home?

In an effort to keep my "winning streak" going, I spent about half a minute thinking of an answer until finally, I came up with...

"Old Yeller"

It wasn't that funny, but it seemed to fit pretty well with the joke, so I went with it. It turns out that there was no real answer to the joke. My friends were just pissed that I kept guessing all the punchlines, so they came up with a "joke" that had no real answer, hoping I would waste lots of time trying to think of one.
They were shocked that I actually came up with a decent punch line. We all had a good laugh over it, and then I told them the muffin joke.
That's my anecdote of the day.
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