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The Early Gift Giving Thread
http://www.worldofkj.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=10&t=1716		 Page 1 of 3
Author:  torrino [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:17 pm ]
Post subject:  The Early Gift Giving Thread
Self-explanatory. Give gifts. To posters on the boards. Hannukah's coming up, as is that holiday known as XMas. ;)

Dear Krem,

This holiday season, I'd like to give you a particular book. This book, written by Dominique Laporte, is called "History of Shit". I don't know what it's about, but it sure as hell has a funny title. If you don't want it, however, I'll pay for a thousandth of nose enlargement surgery (only Jews can crack these jokes!) ;)

Dear Zingaling,

This holiday season, I think it is only just and right to give you your favorite film that's somehow missing from your collection. In the mail, tomorrow, expect an "O' Brother, Where Art Thou?" dvd and an "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" dvd.

Dear makeshift_wings,

This holiday season, I'd like to award you a tube of Vegan Vanillia Hemp Lip Balm. As you know, lips can get pretty nasty as the weather turns towards the lower end. And, as you know, most lip balms use these strange oils that aren't...right for vegans. Plus, what could be better than smelling like plant?

Dear dolcevita,

This holiday season, I think the only thing worth giving is a "Hero" dvd. Sometimes, movies that don't appear to have much depth require more than one viewing. If anything else, it's always pretty to look at!

Dear Mr. X,

This holiday season, I think the only thing worth giving you is a Lost in Translation poster with Mr. Murray on the bed, in his robe.

Dear darth pimp,

As you wake up this holiday season, you will find two bottles. One is filled with America's best drug. The other is filled with America's other best drug. Which one you find better, however, is a matter of your mind. I'm giving you a bottle of Viagra and a bottle of Prozac.

Dear zach,

I'd like to give you a night out with timothy. He'll have to approve, but, then again, it's the thought that counts, and I honestly couldn't think of anything related to gay conservatives.

More to come...in a bit.
Author:  lovemerox [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:20 pm ]
Post subject: 
hehe
This should be fun
Author:  Chippy [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:27 pm ]
Post subject: 
I shall give a gift...

Dear Rusty,

I give you this flag... it has a Maple Leaf on it... and a Sickle and Hammer... I figured you would like it... if not... burn it... ;)

Dear Darth Pimp,

I give you this... nothing... because you are a pimp... and have plenty o' hoes to get you gifts :)

Dear Tony Montana,

I give you this toy gun... because at your "work" I heard they don't let you play with real guns... so you get to play with this...


More... maybe
Author:  bABA [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:30 pm ]
Post subject: 
I give each of you a week long banning.
Author:  torrino [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:34 pm ]
Post subject: 
I think rusty really wants to give you a week long spanking, though. His urge to give you a spanking happens to be greater than your "banning" idea. Thus, don't even think about it. You'll be in a hospital and rusty will have control over your account.
Author:  Terminator1997 [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:36 pm ]
Post subject: 
i give rusty a case of Molson Canadian.
Author:  rusty [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:37 pm ]
Post subject: 
Terminator1997 wrote:
i give rusty a case of Molson Canadian.


i give terminator a bottle of rye.
Author:  Terminator1997 [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:38 pm ]
Post subject: 
i give lovemerox mariah carey's phone number ;)
Author:  zingy [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:40 pm ]
Post subject: 
I give torrino his freedom for one full day.
Author:  torrino [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:42 pm ]
Post subject: 
I take Zingaling's freedom away for an entire lifetime in one nanosecond with the one full day of freedom I was just given.
Author:  Chippy [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:43 pm ]
Post subject: 
I give Zingaling a dingaling... I don't know what it is... but it ryhmes so...

Oh, and I take away Torrino's freedom because nobody ever took mine :)
Author:  torrino [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:44 pm ]
Post subject: 
You sure you took it away? Cuz I can still curse in your face, fuckin' uninformed Republican!
Author:  zingy [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:46 pm ]
Post subject: 
I hire rusty to take away torrino's freedom, and then I take it from rusty.

I give rusty a fruitcake basket.
Author:  Terminator1997 [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:47 pm ]
Post subject: 
i give goldie a flaming bag of poo
Author:  torrino [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:48 pm ]
Post subject: 
Okay, let's get serious here. Christmas/Hannukah/etc...It's all about the PRODUCTS! Not the ideas, such as freedom and whatnot!
Author:  lovemerox [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:50 pm ]
Post subject: 
Terminator1997 wrote:
i give lovemerox mariah carey's phone number ;)


awwww
thanks!
Author:  zingy [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:50 pm ]
Post subject: 
torrino wrote:
Okay, let's get serious here. Christmas/Hannukah/etc...It's all about the PRODUCTS! Not the ideas, such as freedom and whatnot!


Uh... you should be thankful to get that freedom I'm offering. It's a one time sale.

Or... This Is Spinal Tap: Deluxe 92-Disc Special Edition

No one owns it but me. It can be yours. Or your freedom. Take your pick.
Author:  Terminator1997 [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:52 pm ]
Post subject: 
lovemerox wrote:
Terminator1997 wrote:
i give lovemerox mariah carey's phone number ;)


awwww
thanks!


no problemo ;)
Author:  torrino [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:52 pm ]
Post subject: 
Zingaling wrote:
torrino wrote:
Okay, let's get serious here. Christmas/Hannukah/etc...It's all about the PRODUCTS! Not the ideas, such as freedom and whatnot!


Uh... you should be thankful to get that freedom I'm offering. It's a one time sale.

Or... This Is Spinal Tap: Deluxe 92-Disc Special Edition

No one owns it but me. It can be yours. Or your freedom. Take your pick.

Freedom. And then I'll steal the 92 Disc DVD.

However, who gives you higher authority? I'm not your slave. After all, WHO had the highest scores in the Pairs game this weekend? huh? ;)
Author:  zingy [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
torrino wrote:
Zingaling wrote:
torrino wrote:
Okay, let's get serious here. Christmas/Hannukah/etc...It's all about the PRODUCTS! Not the ideas, such as freedom and whatnot!


Uh... you should be thankful to get that freedom I'm offering. It's a one time sale.

Or... This Is Spinal Tap: Deluxe 92-Disc Special Edition

No one owns it but me. It can be yours. Or your freedom. Take your pick.

Freedom. And then I'll steal the 92 Disc DVD.

However, who gives you higher authority? I'm not your slave. After all, WHO had the highest scores in the Pairs game this weekend? huh? ;)


I treat my slaves well. We're in the north, not the south! :wink:
Author:  dolcevita [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 10:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: The Early Gift Giving Thread
torrino wrote:
Dear dolcevita,

This holiday season, I think the only thing worth giving is a "Hero" dvd. Sometimes, movies that don't appear to have much depth require more than one viewing. If anything else, it's always pretty to look at!



*Damn (Shakes) You (Fists at) Torri*

dolcevita wrote:
...As shocked as I was by the kitschy displays of color, what disappointed me most was Yimou’s ultimate message. That sometimes it is okay for a regime to kill many civilians as long as its in the name of a nationalist identity and agenda. Doesn’t quite pack the punch of To Live’s final scene, when heroine Gong Li’s daughter hemorrhages to death in child birth because the revolutionaries have thrown all the doctors into jail, does it?


Well, it seems like you are in desperate need of little better joke-making ability, so as my gift to you, along with a little bag of channukah gelt, is this lovely big book right here:
Image

Ah yes. I had to suffer the offense of receiving this book on my Bat Mitzvah from my parents' totally oblivious friends, and am now going to pass the tradition of the *most painful gift ever* down to you my friend. You get a used copy, since for the life of me I haven't even been able to pay people to take it off my hands.

Enjoy :P

-Dolce
Author:  lovemerox [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 11:15 pm ]
Post subject: 
Torrino- This holiday season, I give you something you always wanted...but never admitted to yourself. A Pack of MARLBORO LIGHTS. yes LIGHTS my friend, because only true pimps smoke the lights


Dolce- This holiday season I bestow to you my finest pack of P-Funks(Parliment Lights) as well as a book on Chaucer, and his famous stories so you can be blessed with his work as I have.

Krem- this holiday season I give you a book. A novel. It is called "Coming out of the closet"~ "A guide to accepting the fact your a hidden Democrat"



I will give all 3 of you more presents later, as well as some more posters but i gotta go eat

Be back in a bit :wink:
Author:  torrino [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 11:18 pm ]
Post subject: 
Dolcevita: Only the most insolent and iconoclastic Jews will open a DVD that they intend to give to someone else. With that said, dolce, you can always return it. I read your review and I know what you thought of the film (or, at least what you expressed).

The gift I was given on my Bar Mitzvah...book-wise, was "The Jewish Book of Why Gift-Set". Jewish Book of Why I, and Jewish Book of Why II. With passages such as...

Alfred J. Kolatch's Second Jewish Book of Why wrote:
...Considering it an unnatural and depraved activity, the Book of Leviticus (18:22) is very explicit on the subject of homosexuality: "Thou shalt not lie [cohabit] with a male as one lies with a woman; it is an abomination." Leviticus 20:13 repeats this characterization, adding, "The two of them shall be put to death".
The consequences of homosexuality are vividly portrayed in the Bible. In Genesis (19:5), a group of inhabitants of Sodom demanded that Lot, Abraham's nephew, send out of his house male visitors so that they, the Sodomites, could cohabit with them. Lot refused to comply with their demands. Because of the prevalence of homosexuality among the Sodomites, Jewish tradition says, Sodom was eventually destroyed. (Today, the word "sodomy" is generally used to characterize any depraved sex act.)
In the Book of Judges (19:22), members of the tribe of Benjamin from Gibeah demanded that a visitor being housed for the night be sent out of the house "that we may know [cohabit with] him." Gibeah, like Sodom, was destroyed for its homosexual practices.
The Bible does not mention female homosexuality, from which one may infer that lesbianism was not widely practiced, or that if it was, it was not considered a crime. In Jewish law, lesbianism is treated as a minor offense. In fact, the Talmud declares that although female homosexuality is prohibited, if a lesbian should marry a Priest, the marriage is considered valid. Mainmonides explains that this leniency in the law was arrived at based on the belief that lesbianism does not involve genital intercourse.


it almost makes me reconsider my religion. Well, not seriously. But, I realize the book is just analysis of Jewish laws, but the fact that someone would put their name next to such a document advocating this while still maintaining a "neutral" tone bothers me.

Considering the mentions on male contraceptives, abortions, alcohol, tobacco, masturbation, and other issues, this radical yet, "neutral in tone" book is FAR worse than your silly, but perhaps, un-funny Jewish Joke Book.
Author:  torrino [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 11:22 pm ]
Post subject: 
lovemerox wrote:
Torrino- This holiday season, I give you something you always wanted...but never admitted to yourself. A Pack of MARLBORO LIGHTS. yes LIGHTS my friend, because only true pimps smoke the lights

True pimps don't smoke cigarettes. Real men, if they do smoke (stereotype warning, beware!) smoke unfiltered. And, also, pimps don't fantasize over Mariah Carey. Even she's too ditzy for their superior taste.
Author:  dolcevita [ Mon Nov 22, 2004 11:23 pm ]
Post subject: 
torrino wrote:
The gift I was given on my Bar Mitzvah...book-wise, was "The Jewish Book of Why 2-Set". Jewish Book of Why I, and Jewish Book of Why II. With passages such as...

Alfred J. Kolatch's Second Jewish Book of Why wrote:
...Considering it an unnatural and depraved activity, the Book of Leviticus (18:22) is very explicit on the subject of homosexuality: "Thou shalt not lie [cohabit] with a male as one lies with a woman; it is an abomination." Leviticus 20:13 repeats this characterization, adding, "The two of them shall be put to death".
The consequences of homosexuality are vividly portrayed in the Bible. In Genesis (19:5), a group of inhabitants of Sodom demanded that Lot, Abraham's nephew, send out of his house male visitors so that they, the Sodomites, could cohabit with them. Lot refused to comply with their demands. Because of the prevalence of homosexuality among the Sodomites, Jewish tradition says, Sodom was eventually destroyed. (Today, the word "sodomy" is generally used to characterize any depraved sex act.)
In the Book of Judges (19:22), members of the tribe of Benjamin from Gibeah demanded that a visitor being housed for the night be sent out of the house "that we may know [cohabit with] him." Gibeah, like Sodom, was destroyed for its homosexual practices.
The Bible does not mention female homosexuality, from which one may infer that lesbianism was not widely practiced, or that if it was, it was not considered a crime. In Jewish law, lesbianism is treated as a minor offense. In fact, the Talmud declares that although female homosexuality is prohibited, if a lesbian should marry a Priest, the marriage is considered valid. Mainmonides explains that this leniency in the law was arrived at based on the belief that lesbianism does not involve genital intercourse.


it almost makes me reconsider my religion. Well, not seriously. But, I realize the book is just analysis of Jewish laws, but the fact that someone would put their name next to such a document advocating this while still maintaining a "neutral" tone bothers me.

Considering the mentions on male contraceptives, abortions, alcohol, tobacco, masturbation, and other issues, this radical yet, "neutral in tone" book is FAR worse than your silly, but perhaps, un-funny Jewish Joke Book.


Oh Man Torri, you haven't read some of the jokes in this book. They'll render you sterile and contraceptives won't even be an issue. It is that bad. Note the opening credit in red print their says Woddy Allen. Uh-huh.

Ah well, to each bar/bat mitvah a couple really ridiculous traditions must be passed down. Apparently, bad literature and bad Manisevitz are those two traditions.

Okay...I gotta go brainstorm a few more gifts.
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