She was mad at you for telling her that you are infatuated with her?

Sounds like a fucking spoilt bitch.

Just to help facilitate the processing of future I-told-you-so's - - what is your current definition of "things will workout just fine"?

That he's going to end up in her bed, naked, in the next 1-6 months. Presumably.

Presumably with her there too. Otherwise that'd be creepy.

But if she has silk sheets, that would feel nice.

Seems like your badly timed mistake has done the trick.

Gamaur, having beem through a shit-ton of own personal drama three years ago at the same time as many of my friends also experiences several of those relationship meltdowns, reading your posts makes you incredibly likeable/relatable to me. Just wanted to say it. Hope it all works out.

(besides, with all my own dramas being long gone and buried fpr now, I still thrive on reading other people's stories )

I really don't like her name.

Jelena makes her sound Czech or something. Definitely not a soft, sweet, or sexy name. It's very Polish or Eastern European; a place where the girls can be hot, but where they all talk like military guards.

Yes. I agree.

Well, I knew it was pronounced "Yelena" and I still don't think it sounds nice. I know this name from Jelena Jankovic, the tennis player. Then again, it doesn't sound bad either. I'm indifferent to it

Good luck with her, anyway dude.

Yelena like... Elana or like Helena?

Gotcha!

Doesn't quite combine with what you have written below, hehe. My impression at least.





Duuude, this is the point where I can only try and recommend you to re-evaluate the situation. A constellation like this will just fuck you up in the long term. Trust me on this.

Well, obviously each case is different so I'll speak in general terms, but IMO it is not as much about someone being worth pursuing or not. Sometimes, differences like this one are so fundamental that they are, in the end, irreconcilable. As much as one wants to make it work and look past it, this is dealing with two distinctly differenrt worldviews that affect your decision making, your thinking and your approach to matters of all sorts.

In a way, I have been where you have been. Rational thinking doesn't work when you are in the middle of it.

To put it differently:

If you feel really do feelt hat pursuing her is worth it and you really want it, then do it. Really, do it. Because what is worse than anything is not doing it and later asking yourself what could or would have been if you had done it. One insight I have learned is that there are rarely any bad experiences. Just experiences that enrich your knowledge and your life. Some of them feel bad, sure. If you go down that path and it works out, great. If you do it and it doesn't, well, shit, but maybe still great once you look back at it. Not doing it at all and regretting it - now that sucks.

I guess that kinda doesn't help much at all, but it is what it is.

That's the thing, this is quite fundamental. A day will come that you probably will give a fuck.

Lecter's advice is definitely worth consideration. I dated someone in college who was having a crisis in faith, and the fact that I was pretty secure in mine was one of the sources of tension that ultimately undid that relationship. She was so passionately into Christianity but couldn't settle on a denomination, while I just sat back, low-key as ever about the fact that I've been in the Lutheran church for almost my entire life. In fact, my general passivity about my religion was what resulted in her cheating on me with the son of a pastor whose church she had visited a few times.

I would also say that the fact that she's madly in love with her ex is a pretty huge, glaring red flag. The same relationship I described above began because both us couldn't be with people who we were clearly more interested in, and it (understandably) led to a fuckton of trust issues because I was still very close friends with the friend in question, whereas she had cut off all connection with her friend after finding out that he had a girlfriend. I couldn't be around this other friend without her glaring, fake-smiling, and/or making passive-aggressive comments about her being around. In fact, to this day (even after we've been very comfortably back in the friend zone with one another for more than two years, and even though she's currently seeing someone), she *still* asks me about this friend as if she's keeping tabs on her.

If she genuinely has no intention of getting back with him then the affection for him, like all things with time, will pass.

I still have feelings for a lot of exes, especially the ones I legitimately loved, but no way in hell would I ever want to get back with them. Sometimes even through some real bad shit has happened, there were times when it wasn't and that's something you'll take with you. Though sometimes girls will say that just to keep you as a backup, or as HIMYM would say "On the hook"

I say go for it, but if you can't change her mind after like 3-4 months I say pull the chord.

This is important, and the most important part of all of your messages on this subject so far. I suspect in a few months you will look back on this and laugh about how serious/forward you were about your feelings for her, as I think it is just infatuation, not love, and the former always feels GREAT when you have it. It's intense and your heart is pounding at the thought of her, but after a few months, when those feelings are not reciprocated, you will most likely look back on this thread in embarrassment. So, you need to truly reflect on your feelings and try to meet other people. If, after meeting other people (and after months of doing so), you are still truly, madly, deeply thinking about Jelena, then I'd say that she is the one for you and you should pursue her again.

At the moment it seems as though she is saying all the things that will give you two the opportunity to remain friends but no further. She is hoping that you will find someone else, hence why she says "it will take a long time" and all that bullshit. Do you want to be open to getting hurt and looking silly? or do you want to start damage limitations? If I were you, I would have read the signs and would have dropped the entire thing (in my mind) to pursue other activities, other friends, other love interests.

I'd be careful. You can never assume what another person actually feels based on just a few lines of text. Only that person knows what the feeling is like. It might be an infatuation or it might not be.

That being said, yes, of course he needs to reflect. It is nearly impossible to think clearly/rationally in these situations.

And honestly, perhaps that's what you should focus on. I ended up doing that with a friend of mine who I had fallen for (it was a really messy situation - we were friends who had been very close for months, I was about to ask her out, I then found out the day before I was going to ask her out by coincidence from another friend that she had a boyfriend back home, I waited a few months before finally bringing the issue up with her, she also had feelings for me despite being in a relationship, and that's all really just the tip of the iceberg). Looking back on it now, not having actually seen her in over a year (although I still keep in touch with her over email because we're in the same career field), it ended up being a great decision to focus on being "just" a reliable friend for her. I realize now that we never would have made it as a couple, but I remain glad to have been there for her as a friend because I know that there was stuff that we went through as friends that she would definitely not have felt as comfortable with sharing with me if I had been her boyfriend. I know that I can talk to her about anything without feeling the pressure of whether I'm making a good impression, and she can do the same.

It's definitely a bit of a cop-out, and it's totally not what I would have ideally wanted even a year-and-a-half ago, but it has worked out for the best. "Just friends" might seem like a loss, but in the long run, it could definitely be a win.

And yes, fellow KJers, I realize that this is about infinity times more honest and raw than I have ever been in eight years of membership on this forum.