Most sensible thing Excel's ever typed.

It cannot hurt to get proper closure, so do not give up, but they are right that it most likely it is going to be over.

I have no plans to give it up in forseeable future.

I remember when my ex wife left me. Weeks went by of me being depressed. I would text her and call her. Asked her what I could do to fix it. Eventually, I just asked, is this it? Is there no possibility this will work? She said no. And I said OK, and tried to move on.

Yeah, it was rough. But you can get through it. You have things to take your mind off of it. I just had a 9-5 job and went home to 2 dogs. Didn't ever really go out, or go anywhere. It probably took me about a year to finally see my new life ahead of me.

I know it is possibly. I have been there. But - correct me if I remember it wrong - you were cheated on. Had that happened, I'd be well on my way to moving on because that is the point from which there is really no return for me. I think in that case the pain is more intense but it actually helps you move on in the long term. At least I think that for me. One of my ex-girlfriends had a new guy very fast and I got over her within about two months. However, unlike your description I actively did a whole lot of shit to distratc myself and rediscover life, like taking up two martial arts, reconnecting with a bunch of old friends I neglected during my relationship, forging a whole bunch of new friendships (most of which still last six years later), taking up a new student job, catching up on all the college partying I missed out on during those four years (the party stretch I had back in 2011 was legendary and highly unhealthy), doing some interesting courses, travelling (among others to Arsi in Vegas and to trixster in Montreal) and - probably most importantly in the long term - opening up my small film blog which turned into a huge website some years later. I slept very little and neglected my health (luckily without consequences...I think), but was doing something ALL THE TIME. I was probably the most sociable guy around. I remember going out to parties on seven nights within ten days. It helped. I know this works. Other break-ups, I just got over without that much actual effort. But this one - this one is the first where it seems like it is worth doing something to reverse it.

I never said you should just get over it, I was just trying to relate my experience. You know here better than any of us. So we can tell you "do x, do y" but we don't really know either of you, truly. If you feel like there is still hope or something there, that's fine. But you'll have to figure out what you can do to fix it.

I didn't mean to come across as abrasive or dismissive. Almost everything in this thread has its valid point and I am grateful for every single perspective, even those I do not want to hear/read.

I am trying to figure out what to do. There is a limited amount of what I can do because, obviously, some of it HAS to come from her. It cannot be a one-way street here and even if that approach were to work, it would not hold, not if she is equally involved. But the timing and the way it happened was so random, that, yeah, I cannot accept that for now. Two weeks earlier we are happily planning our next vacation and she is sad when I don't walk her home from a movie theatre and then it is all over. You don#t throw away five years and expect the other person to shrug, accept it and move on.

That being said, the two weeks are over now. I said 2-3 weeks and I will probably contact her on the weekend. I don't feel like starting the entire discussion all over again and going into detail. I don't think the detail of who did what wrong and when is what matters at this very moment. So I have written her a letter, detailing everything that I think of her and of us, what I think were our happiest moments, what are my biggest regrets, what both of us did wrong, what we should do differently, why she means so much to me, why I am not willing to let it go easily and what I hope we can do (i.e. "start anew" by going on a few no strings attached dates and rediscover each other). Well, that's the basic gist. The thing is 21 pages long (hand-written). I'll meet her, give it to her, ask her to read it when she feels ready and with care and then it is her turn.

Truth.

Time to move on.

Lecter's new avatar is his ex-girlfriend. No wonder he's finding it hard to move on.

You had me at "Do X".

New server, same X

I'd think it wise in long term for you to not contact her at all.

That will not happen because, as I said, I am not throwing in the towel.

Oh goodness if his ex was Caity Lotz I would tell him to never stop pursuing.

Caity Lotz is a very fine woman.

My ex and I just talked on the phone for about 50 minutes. It was awkward for the first 30, but nothing like talking about Donald Trump to break the ice. The final 20 minutes felt like it was the old times, though they most certainly were not.

Either way, I made it clear that I am not planning on giving up, so that she knows I have no hidden agenda. I suggested we meet up on Sunday and talk. She agreed. She also agreed to go to the movies with me soon (Bridget Jones's Baby).

oh god I hope the "ex" wins in Bridget Jones.

Lol, I didn't even realize that, but yeah, symbolically it would be better.

Tell her to be upfront if she is just trying to ween you off of her or if she is just being sympathetic.

I didn't say that, but I told her upfront what my intentions are. Truth to be told, it doesn't seem she knows what she wants or what she is doing. When I talked to her, apparently all she did over the past two weeks was going to work, going to the gym, going back home and then all over again. Basically what Chippy described above. Even I was way more active.

I told her that one does not end a five-year relationship with a 30 minutes talk, that it is unsatisfactory and that I deserve a longer talk and at least some explaining. I also told her that, looking back, the big problem two years ago was that it was all me who worked hard and invested a lot to save the relationship and she never acknowledged it. Of course, at that very time she could not because she was unemplyoed, suffering froma depression and a heavy case of home sickness (from France). But all that passed and when our relationship was "good" again, she culd have at least acknowledged all the efforts I put into it and how big of a toll it took on me. That never happened. I don't think I realized up until now that it bothered me.

Anyway, I told her all that and she said that I am right on every single count, but that she doesn't know whether she will have any satisfactory answers or explanations for me come this Sunday. She said she doesn't want to give me false hope, especially since I told her, right ater the break-up, that I wouldn't give up and I would win her back. I said that I am still not giving up and I sitll love her. However, my stance on winning her back has changed because I firmly believe she has to do as much for it as I do. That being said, she agreed to the meeting.

Never heard of her.

One of the few experiences I can take from my romantic life is sometimes people with depression issues decide to shut their significant other out and deal with their issues alone. It has something to do with feeling like they're too much of a burden to lay on anyone else

That applied two years ago. She is not depressed now, though.

Well, we just met. Spent two hours at a cafe. It was mostly pretty nice. The first time we have had a long relaxed chat since the shit hit the fan. She felt comfortable around me, though we were both noticably nervous. I gave her three letts I have written over the past weeks and asked her to open and read them, whenever she is in the mood (a total of 27 handwritten pages). Expressing myself through writing was easier than talking. But, of course, we also talked and realized that so many of hours issues were misunderstandings and lack of proper communication (surprise, surprise). She felt like we missed our window of opportunity to grow together (when she suggested we move back in together, I refused and suggested we do it later and when I felt ready, she wasn't any longer and so on...). I told her that I felt that we still built an important foundation together based on trust and familiarity. Anyway, it was a bit emotional towards the end, but in a nice way. Still no reasons why the whole thing was so sudden. What I did found out, however, was that at least on Sunday prior to the Wednesday when she broke up, she still had no plans to do so and was much rather thinking about the next developmets in our relationship. So, yeah, it was a rather sudden decision for her as well, one that she cannot seem to explain now more than a month ago. Ironically, we met at the same cafe today where we had one of our first dates five years ago.

She also asked if it was okay with me if she still went to the wedding next weekend that we were invited to together (the one where I am the man of honor to the bride) or if that would make me feel awkward. I told her it'd be fine with me, so she'll probably come. Didn't really expect that.

When we parted I asked her to read the letters when she feels like it, think about the content and then it's her turn to make a move if she is willing. I have done my part, for now. I told her that I am convinced that we deserve another shot at this, but that I don't want it to be only me who is doing the heavy lifting. I made it clear that I do not want to her up and for the first time she did not seem dismissive or reluctant, just uncertain, yet flattered.

We'll see.

27 pages! Well that is a good test. If she doesn't read them (or even worse, pretends to have done so), you know its over.