Okay let's try this again. Just so you slut's know I've written this column three times this week and FIREFOX keeps caving in on my ass. Stupid Firefox 3 is a dumb slut.
Anyway first of all the hot topic is
HANCOCK
Hancock basically took four days to exceed the GDP of The Falklands rather than three and so box office analysts have been hitting the bottle and writing goodbye letters to their moms and leaving it in the dumb waiter amongst their jizz stained undies. The movie made $107m over it's five day launch, Which is, for the record $107m more than what I'll ever be worth.
Meanwhile, back in reality, the general public still love Will Smith despite Hancock being basically a piece of shit, and Will Smith is still rolling around naked with Tom Cruise in a big bath of money. I'd watch but Tom Cruise has this knack of undressing me with his eyes and it makes me nervous. I don't want to see his alien spunk tbqh.
VARIETY REACTIONS
Variety for lack of better content have sent some poor reporter out to first night screenings of new hot topic movies resulting in a mixture of hilarity and general sadness. Bad things always happen to good people, and this is one of them! They just wanted to see a movie!!!
To the right we have Elizabeth, she think's that the performances in WANTED were 'kind of like, whatever' Elizabeth is not only a hot bitch, but she is also a film critic. Give up that job Lizzie! Your ass belongs in Entertainment Weekly sending hatemail to Nikki Finke! She can bring her sister/lesbian too.
Eric has a kind of crack addict chic thing going on, I'm into it. Of WANTED Eric comes out with
'One of the main reasons I came was because of the camera they shot it on, the Red One HD. It worked well -- in an action movie the detail in HD is a little more forgiving.'
I am so fucking pissed right now! Why have i been slumming it at a crack den covered in feces and diet pepsi bottles full of piss when Eric's crack den offers classes in HD Technology! I hate my crack den! I knew something wasnt' right when Amy Wino never showed like they promised. Actually, scratch that, Wino definitely showed, I was probably just passed out in the corner at that time. Wino never misses a crack den visitation.
Megan Wong is serious glamour. She is like 10 years old and she is making my ovaries tick tock. Of Wall-E megan said 'It was a crock of shit and I wanted to see him die about 8 minutes in!' Ok she didn't say that, she said she loved it and thought the robot love was awesome good. I need a Megan Wong in my life. I can't function without Megan Wong. She is my new crack. Screw the crack den, im going to make a Megan Wong shrine.
'We’re all for employing the mentally handicapped, we just don’t think they should be writing a screenplay.' -- Michael K. Is Michael K the borg queen or some shit? Who is we? Him and his 8 delusional made up friends inside his head? As someone who is borderline mentally handicapped, I take great offence to this, and will write a screenplay in which Michael K dies by being beat down in a home for the mentally handicapped. Michael K is probably one of those mid-level managers who thinks of himself as 'management' but everyone hates his ass and he cries every time someone bellow him gets promoted to a better position. Either that or he is really Dimitri
Not a lot is happening in Hollywood aside from that, sluts. Sad but true.
Till next week.
